Can You Say No?

Is it time to say “Yes” to “No”? How often do you take on too much at home? At work? Accommodating others? Giving in? It’s time you did what you wanted for a change without automatically feeling guilty about not saying yes. Here are some tips to help you go from “Yes” to “No” once in a while.

1. Practice saying “No.” Use the mirror and a tape recorder, or role-play with a friend. A rehearsal will help you develop your skills – and your courage.

2. Be prepared. Develop a series of stock answers you can pull out of your bag. The next time you’re about to say “Yes” but really want to say “No,” reach into your bag for a response that fits – like, “I’m sorry I have a family commitment that day.” Eventually, you’ll be a pro with or without the crib note.
 3. Start small. You do not have to say “No” to everything! Whether it’s saying “No” to shoes in your home, picking up the dry cleaning or taking on another client, a little “No” can go a long way. If saying “No” to family or friends feels overwhelming, start with a telemarketer.

Saying “Yes" can be like dining at a buffet with too many choices. Instead of filling your plate, be selective and go a la carte. Exercise your right to say “Yes” to “No”!

 

 Deborah L. Mecklinger, LL.B., M.S.W., A.T.C.

For more information visit www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Post Divorce Dating (PDD): How To Help Your Kids Plight When Looking For Mr. or Ms. Right

Why is your child not jumping for joy when they see stars in your eyes instead of tears? After months or even years of stress, sadness and loneliness - how can your child not be thrilled to see you out on a Saturday night instead of home alone reading the latest self help book on surviving divorce? If your offspring is turned off by your dating you are not alone. Your post divorce social life is a challenge to be expected when your children are asked to smile, accept or applaud the arrival of a guest they did not invite into their lives.

Your child's aversion to your new diversion may be precipitated by the following issues:

• It may be that your Post Divorce Dating (PDD) extinguishes the flame in your child's reunification fantasy - a hope and feeling many children describe as prevalent.
• Perhaps your PDD leaves your children caught in a loyalty bind or triggers a wide range of confusing emotions they cannot handle.
• From changes in your routine, to the time devoted to dating and its associated distractions, to simply feeling awkward at the thought of a parent as a sexual being - discomfort with parental courtship is common. 
• Your children may feel like they are less important to you. Their role, status and special place in your life may feel threatened.
• A new haircut or color, a fresh fragrance, a unfamiliar wardrobe, a clean shave, lost weight and a new-found mate can leave children wondering where the parent they once knew disappeared to. 
  

If PDD is part of your program consider the following beliefs and strategies to help you move forward without setting your children back:

1. Remember, your desire to date is just that - YOUR desire. Your children did not sign up for the PDD Program.
2. Your children are narcissistic and believe they are enough to meet all of your emotional needs (this is developmentally on task for children and teens).
3. Your time-sharing plan was designed for you and your EX. It was not designed for you and your new partner and your EX. They crave time with you.
4. When you decide to introduce the concept of PDD - be prepared for discomfort, resistance, anger, anxiety, sadness, curiosity, guilt, anger, ambivalence, confusion, excitement and the evolutionary cycle of the aforemetioned emotional spectrum.
5. If you have more than one child, be prepared for different reactions from each child and do not expect their emotional responses to be in synch with one and other. Be sensitive to the slowest common denominator.  
6. Be prepared for silence. If the child is not ready or closes the door to the conversation - be sensitive and follow the leader. In this case they lead. This does not mean that they have the right or power to close the door to PDD, but it is a signal to be sensitive to their involvement and integration.
7. Be prepared for questions. Brainstorm possible questions in advance to ensure that your answers are honest but age appropriate.
8. "Caveat Answeror" - BEWARE OF SHARING TOO MUCH INFORMATION (TMI). In particular, questions from teens and adult children are seductive. Remember that your child is not your confidante, therapist, friend or parent. Even your teen or adult child may not be prepared to handle many of the answers their questions provoke. Be careful and think before you respond. A rule of thumb is: don't share information about your relationship that you would not share with a 10 year old. That is probably all they can handle.
9. Take it slow. If the relationship is long-term and healthy, over time, your children will develop trust, comfort, and will come to accept your new partner. If it is not a long-term relationship you will have spared them the potential loss, pain and readjustment.
10. Once integrated, regardless as to the love connection between your children and your new partner, be sure to spend time on your own with your children, maintain traditions your kids love, don't take advantage of their generosity of spirit and desire to see you happy and check in with your children on a regular basis. 

PDD is often like serving vegetables to a young child. You believe it is good for them, but the unfamiliar taste may leave them  feeling uneasy and at times even queasy. A patient parent does not force feed, but rather, introduces the new experience slowly and respects the child's right to examine the new flavor, take small bites or try it again another time. Take wisdom and patience on your PDD ride, and you will find that in time your children will be firmly planted by your side.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Lighten Your Load: Strategies For Dealing With Freeloading Friends and Family

How do you deal with family and friends who cavort around with entitlement spoons dangling from their mouths? Do you struggle to set limits or say no to those who know not where "what is yours starts" and "what is theirs ends"? How can you protect yourself from the Shameless And Relentless Askers (herein referred to as SARAs) in your life? 

The requests for resources, goods, time and energy come by phone, email and in person. They often sound like this:

• Can you score me some free tickets to the game, Bobby loves the Yankees and his birthday is coming up!
• I heard you won't be at your condo, cottage or chalet over the holidays - we are dying for a week away. By the way, are the beds made and is there gas in the boat?
• Cheryl just got her driver's license and since you are going away for the month, can she take your new SUV - she'd like to go north with her boyfriend.....Mike and I don't want to be without a car!
• Your pool is perfect place for Melissa to run her swim school this summer. Maybe you can let her know the hours you won't be in your own backyard?
• I would love to use your home for your nephew Trevor's birthday party  - which weekend would work? Is the fridge filled, or do I need to get drinks?
• Your house is the perfect venue to host the family holiday, event or rite of passage?
• Can you pick up, drive or deliver the children? 
• It's my daughter Tiffany's 16th birthday next week - she would like a watch, cell phone or necklace. I know your daughter's birthday is coming up, but really - there is nothing she needs!
• Will you take the kids next week? We need to get away.
• Can you help Brian get a job, set up his business, finance his venture, advise him, do his resume, connect him and be the father figure he needs. 

When the pain begins to set in and you come to realize that the relationship is a one way street - you give and they take, it may be time to change your behavior for your own sake. From requests for your clothes to your money, from your professional services to your ear,  from the guest that regularly arrives empty handed to the house guest who forgets to leave - the freeloader habitually takes advantage of your generosity. When you inevitably hit your "giving wall", and realize that reciprocity is not a part of the relationship recipe with a SARA, the following strategies may save you from annihilation and depletion.

1. Remember, SARA's  are impervious to etiquette or social decency and their behavior is marked by a bold lack of shame. How you factor into their request has not crossed their mind. Their blatant disregard for your feelings or rights says nothing about you. Their requests say everything about them. This is SARA School 101.
2. Your job is to set desired limits and not to teach the SARA a lesson.
3. When the desired response is NO - say NO. Do not go past GO.
4. Saying NO requires NO explanation. You do not owe the SARA an excuse. 
5. When the SARA gets nasty, goes underground or uses gorilla warfare like triangulation by engaging spouse, friend or parent or worst of all, their own children to get what they want - name the behavior and call the the SARA out on it. Don't let the SARA be the elephant in the room.
6. Be elegant and try the following lines if NO doesn't work for you: "I/we would like time alone with our family; Your request doesn't work for me/us; My/our home/time/resources are otherwise committed.
7. Don't be afraid to say YES if it works for you. While the fear of the slippery slope is scary, you are only a word away from NO.
8. Be prepared to repeat yourself.
9. Practice with a child. They too repeat themselves and don't give up easily. Note that this is developmentally healthy and on task for a child to be relentless. They provide the perfect boot camp for NO training.
10. Be prepared to be unpopular. 

You can run but you cannot hide from a SARA so don't even try. Instead, create boundaries, use your words and be firm. Sara's come on strong and leave you spinning until you no longer remember who is right and who is wrong. If you are challenged by freeloaders, moochers, cadgers or habitual imposers, be steadfast and confident in your right to say NO to those looking to reap what they did not sow.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Duty to Declare: Divorcing Driver On The Road

  Should there be a "Duty to Declare Divorce" to the Department of Motor Vehicles? Are the newly separated a danger to themselves and others when driving under the influence of divorce and its associated trauma? No doubt the onset of divorce is often akin to flying head-on into a Mack Truck, but does that mean you need to actually drive into one?

  On a daily basis, clients share stories of their most recent fender benders, collisions and sometimes major accidents - all noted as a direct consequence of overwhelming distraction and their distraught state. In particular, men and women report that in the early stages of separation they encounter an out of body experience and have little recollection of how they got through their day, managed their children or performed their job. 

They say that driving when fatigued is like driving while intoxicated. While it is difficult to attribute sleepiness to car accidents as there is no standardized test for fatigue like there is for intoxication, data shows that fatigue slows reaction time, decreases awareness and impairs judgement. The newly separated not only report inability to sleep and the ensuing fatigue but an overall feeling of emotional and physical exhaustion in the early stages of divorce or periods of extreme conflict.

So how do the newly separated get from point A to point B in their cars? Many have no idea. In fact, it is not uncommon for those in the throws of divorce to report locking keys in their car, driving in circles, passing their destination, forgetting where they are headed and getting lost on their way. Divorcing drivers have even commented that it was luck not presence of mind that allowed them to drive without incident.

If you or a loved one are driving under the influence of divorce consider the following strategies before getting behind the wheel:

1. Call a friend and ask for a ride. Finally, a way for someone waiting in the wings to be helpful.
2. Take a CAB, public transit or walk. Not only will you be safe, but you will have the opportunity to clear your head.
3. If you are going to drive, put your cell phone in the back seat. Resist all temptation to call your lawyer while driving, vent to a friend while at light or call your EX and rage. Eliminate an additional distraction.
4. Write down directions, get a map and put an extra set of car keys in your purse, pocket, office or other convenient location.
5. When you park the car, write down on a piece of paper the exact location of where you parked. Take the paper with you and pay attention to where you put it. Leave a pack of POST IT notes in the car to make this easy.
6.  Make sure you are well rested and take a coffee, tea or bottle of water along for the ride.
   
7. Never drive yourself to court. You are sure to be stressed to max on your way there only to be trumped by how you may feel on your way home. Follow 1 or 2.
8. The same can be said for driving to meetings with your lawyer. Follow 1 or 2.
9. If you feel like you are driving recklessly and cannot resist, give your car keys to a friend.
10. Slow down. Turn the music down. Turn the noise down. Turn the DVD player down and drive with extreme caution and care. Be aware of your distraction and focus.

If driving under the influence of divorce is on your radar, remember that it is not a chronic condition but rather a phase that can be navigated strategically and safely. At the very least, shake hands with your divorce distractions and your distress and drive with caution and care. 

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com