Can You Say No?

Is it time to say “Yes” to “No”? How often do you take on too much at home? At work? Accommodating others? Giving in? It’s time you did what you wanted for a change without automatically feeling guilty about not saying yes. Here are some tips to help you go from “Yes” to “No” once in a while.

1. Practice saying “No.” Use the mirror and a tape recorder, or role-play with a friend. A rehearsal will help you develop your skills – and your courage.

2. Be prepared. Develop a series of stock answers you can pull out of your bag. The next time you’re about to say “Yes” but really want to say “No,” reach into your bag for a response that fits – like, “I’m sorry I have a family commitment that day.” Eventually, you’ll be a pro with or without the crib note.
 3. Start small. You do not have to say “No” to everything! Whether it’s saying “No” to shoes in your home, picking up the dry cleaning or taking on another client, a little “No” can go a long way. If saying “No” to family or friends feels overwhelming, start with a telemarketer.

Saying “Yes" can be like dining at a buffet with too many choices. Instead of filling your plate, be selective and go a la carte. Exercise your right to say “Yes” to “No”!

 

 Deborah L. Mecklinger, LL.B., M.S.W., A.T.C.

For more information visit www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Help: My Marriage Is Sliding From Recession To Depression

Is the economic padding in your marriage no longer a cushion you can count on? Is the current economic climate a barometer for the temperature of your marriage? Is your dwindling bank account affecting the balance in your emotional depository? If your marriage is starting to feel like like an investment with low or no returns, take stock of how the recession can further impact your relationship and affect your bottom line.

As the economy declines, and stories of doom and gloom loom on the horizon, the emotional and practical stress on couples is unavoidable. Employment insecurity, job loss, pressure to perform, diminished resources, sinking stocks and slipping savings result in a marital albatross that many are struggling to carry. Moreover when a couple's preexisting issues are combined with the hefty weight of financial strain, it becomes even more challenging for spouses to figure out where to begin in order to move forward.

For spouses that have a history of communication issues, the hot topic of money is even scarier when there is less of it. In a marriage where financial freedom was a factor in keeping the disconnected together, limited resources might inhibit their ability to indulge in things like independent vacations, separate dinners out with friends and maybe even time alone at a cottage or on boat. Less disposable income, the sale of assets and longer hours at work can limit the availability of distractions that may have helped to stabilize the already shaky marriage. As for the spouse in the house who is out of a job, this too, often serves to add further strain on the relationship tight rope from which the couple was already hanging.

To add insult to injury, couples are bombarded with experts telling them that they can "Recession-Proof" their marriage. Such suggestions are akin to telling home-owners that they can "Burglar-Proof" their house and keep the most determined intruder out. The recession like the thief, doesn't knock, ring the bell, or "scare off" easily. Moreover, locks, alarms, buzzers, and even guard dogs cannot keep the prowler from coming through the door. In spite of your best efforts to protect yourself, be prepared to manage the chaos and consequences of an economic storm that beats your door down like a thief in the night.

Spouses are being advised by relationship experts that they can "Recession-Proof" their marriage in some of the following ways simple ways:

• Cook together: For husbands and wives who can barely make it through a meal, the ideal of preparing it might not be a recipe for success.
• Go on a date night: Does one really need to pay a therapist when money is tight, to be told that making an effort to go out together is important? Save the fees and buy the book. Date night recommendations will be in the first chapter!
  
• Have sex. It is cheap and in the budget: If sex and money are intricately connected, it is no coincidence that the bed and the head may now be disconnected. In addition, for anyone feeling impotent in their lives, the pressure to perform may be filled with unbearable anxiety. In particular, for anyone who has lost a job, low self-esteem can be found between the sheets. Be sensitive and patient.
  
• Go for walks together, save on gas and enjoy the outdoors: If conflict is at an all time high and the walks turn out to be more of the same - do the opposite. Walk your dog, stroll with a friend or go it alone. You will come back refreshed and better equipped to face your day.
• See a couple's therapist: While it is not uncommon to recommend seeing a therapist together to make headway, perhaps a visit with a different kind of "professional helper" is better suited to the Recession Rescue Menu. For example, a Mediator may be in order to facilitate conflict resolution and help you reach mutual agreements regarding your finances.

While the aforementioned recommendations may work for some, others may find they only serve to exacerbate the stress they already experience. This is not to say that getting back to the basics and enjoying the little things in life together is not a wonderful thing. In fact couples who can connect in that way are at the top of their game. Unfortunately, for those that are truly stressed and in a mess, the "little things" might just not cut it. If the recession is pulling you and your spouse further apart consider the following additional tips to help you manage the damage and avert depression.

1. Leave the money on the floor outside the bedroom door. Don't talk about financial issues in the bedroom. While it will not ensure sex, it will guarantee a greater likelihood of a better sleep.
2. Share space not conversation. Spend time in the same room. Read, listen to music, get on your computer, play a game or watch TV. Take a break from talking about money and the issues at hand.
   
3. Pick a regular time to discuss financial issues: This will eliminate the worry that the topic is ongoing and never-ending. Schedule "conversation time" on a weekly or monthly basis to discuss the finances and stick to it.
   
4. Call a friend. The secret to every stressful marriage is a good friend.
5. Filter: Use your best judgement and filter the topic before you raise it. Is your issue something that needs to be shared or is it a release of your financial anxiety only to be dumped and now the burden of your partner? If the answer is YES - get a journal and spare your spouse. What goes around comes around and the financial worry-go-round can be never-ending.
   
6. Get Educated: Be informed and understand the real financial deal in your life. Don't live on the financial myths of your marriage.
7. Ask An Advisor: Attend meetings with accountants, financial advisors, brokers and/or bankers together to avoid miscommunication.
8. Skip the news at night. Go to bed with an empty head. Everything is more upsetting and anxiety provoking at night. The headlines will be there for you in the morning. If your spouse insists on watching, listening or stressing - disengage and leave the room.
9. Exercise more. The release of endorphins will help you cope. This in turn will make you a calmer spouse. Life will begin to look brighter. You may find the cup half full. The laws of attraction will take effect and the cycle will evolve and you will feel the future beginning to look brighter.
10. Look in the mirror more and pay attention to what you see. Wash your forlorn face. Walking around looking dejected, miserable and with a sour or dour face will ensure that you get back what you put out. Be aware of your energy, your presence and your demeanor and begin to smile. If it does not feel authentic, fake it. Your academy award winning performance may rub off on your marriage and you may find that before you know it, you actually feel happier.

Developing an economic partnership, communication, compromise, respect, reinventing and redistributing roles, sharing and caring are only some of the issues that need to be addressed by couples dealing with the consequences of the recession. As you ride out the economic storm remember that you cannot keep the recession out of your marriage or prevent it from impacting your relationship. So confront the issues head on and don't be afraid to open the door because it's coming inside even if you try to ignore. The really good news is that marriage is like the economy - it has cycles that come and go. Ride this one out and stay in the know.

For more information visit www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Post Divorce Dating (PDD): How To Help Your Kids Plight When Looking For Mr. or Ms. Right

Why is your child not jumping for joy when they see stars in your eyes instead of tears? After months or even years of stress, sadness and loneliness - how can your child not be thrilled to see you out on a Saturday night instead of home alone reading the latest self help book on surviving divorce? If your offspring is turned off by your dating you are not alone. Your post divorce social life is a challenge to be expected when your children are asked to smile, accept or applaud the arrival of a guest they did not invite into their lives.

Your child's aversion to your new diversion may be precipitated by the following issues:

• It may be that your Post Divorce Dating (PDD) extinguishes the flame in your child's reunification fantasy - a hope and feeling many children describe as prevalent.
• Perhaps your PDD leaves your children caught in a loyalty bind or triggers a wide range of confusing emotions they cannot handle.
• From changes in your routine, to the time devoted to dating and its associated distractions, to simply feeling awkward at the thought of a parent as a sexual being - discomfort with parental courtship is common. 
• Your children may feel like they are less important to you. Their role, status and special place in your life may feel threatened.
• A new haircut or color, a fresh fragrance, a unfamiliar wardrobe, a clean shave, lost weight and a new-found mate can leave children wondering where the parent they once knew disappeared to. 
  

If PDD is part of your program consider the following beliefs and strategies to help you move forward without setting your children back:

1. Remember, your desire to date is just that - YOUR desire. Your children did not sign up for the PDD Program.
2. Your children are narcissistic and believe they are enough to meet all of your emotional needs (this is developmentally on task for children and teens).
3. Your time-sharing plan was designed for you and your EX. It was not designed for you and your new partner and your EX. They crave time with you.
4. When you decide to introduce the concept of PDD - be prepared for discomfort, resistance, anger, anxiety, sadness, curiosity, guilt, anger, ambivalence, confusion, excitement and the evolutionary cycle of the aforemetioned emotional spectrum.
5. If you have more than one child, be prepared for different reactions from each child and do not expect their emotional responses to be in synch with one and other. Be sensitive to the slowest common denominator.  
6. Be prepared for silence. If the child is not ready or closes the door to the conversation - be sensitive and follow the leader. In this case they lead. This does not mean that they have the right or power to close the door to PDD, but it is a signal to be sensitive to their involvement and integration.
7. Be prepared for questions. Brainstorm possible questions in advance to ensure that your answers are honest but age appropriate.
8. "Caveat Answeror" - BEWARE OF SHARING TOO MUCH INFORMATION (TMI). In particular, questions from teens and adult children are seductive. Remember that your child is not your confidante, therapist, friend or parent. Even your teen or adult child may not be prepared to handle many of the answers their questions provoke. Be careful and think before you respond. A rule of thumb is: don't share information about your relationship that you would not share with a 10 year old. That is probably all they can handle.
9. Take it slow. If the relationship is long-term and healthy, over time, your children will develop trust, comfort, and will come to accept your new partner. If it is not a long-term relationship you will have spared them the potential loss, pain and readjustment.
10. Once integrated, regardless as to the love connection between your children and your new partner, be sure to spend time on your own with your children, maintain traditions your kids love, don't take advantage of their generosity of spirit and desire to see you happy and check in with your children on a regular basis. 

PDD is often like serving vegetables to a young child. You believe it is good for them, but the unfamiliar taste may leave them  feeling uneasy and at times even queasy. A patient parent does not force feed, but rather, introduces the new experience slowly and respects the child's right to examine the new flavor, take small bites or try it again another time. Take wisdom and patience on your PDD ride, and you will find that in time your children will be firmly planted by your side.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Lighten Your Load: Strategies For Dealing With Freeloading Friends and Family

How do you deal with family and friends who cavort around with entitlement spoons dangling from their mouths? Do you struggle to set limits or say no to those who know not where "what is yours starts" and "what is theirs ends"? How can you protect yourself from the Shameless And Relentless Askers (herein referred to as SARAs) in your life? 

The requests for resources, goods, time and energy come by phone, email and in person. They often sound like this:

• Can you score me some free tickets to the game, Bobby loves the Yankees and his birthday is coming up!
• I heard you won't be at your condo, cottage or chalet over the holidays - we are dying for a week away. By the way, are the beds made and is there gas in the boat?
• Cheryl just got her driver's license and since you are going away for the month, can she take your new SUV - she'd like to go north with her boyfriend.....Mike and I don't want to be without a car!
• Your pool is perfect place for Melissa to run her swim school this summer. Maybe you can let her know the hours you won't be in your own backyard?
• I would love to use your home for your nephew Trevor's birthday party  - which weekend would work? Is the fridge filled, or do I need to get drinks?
• Your house is the perfect venue to host the family holiday, event or rite of passage?
• Can you pick up, drive or deliver the children? 
• It's my daughter Tiffany's 16th birthday next week - she would like a watch, cell phone or necklace. I know your daughter's birthday is coming up, but really - there is nothing she needs!
• Will you take the kids next week? We need to get away.
• Can you help Brian get a job, set up his business, finance his venture, advise him, do his resume, connect him and be the father figure he needs. 

When the pain begins to set in and you come to realize that the relationship is a one way street - you give and they take, it may be time to change your behavior for your own sake. From requests for your clothes to your money, from your professional services to your ear,  from the guest that regularly arrives empty handed to the house guest who forgets to leave - the freeloader habitually takes advantage of your generosity. When you inevitably hit your "giving wall", and realize that reciprocity is not a part of the relationship recipe with a SARA, the following strategies may save you from annihilation and depletion.

1. Remember, SARA's  are impervious to etiquette or social decency and their behavior is marked by a bold lack of shame. How you factor into their request has not crossed their mind. Their blatant disregard for your feelings or rights says nothing about you. Their requests say everything about them. This is SARA School 101.
2. Your job is to set desired limits and not to teach the SARA a lesson.
3. When the desired response is NO - say NO. Do not go past GO.
4. Saying NO requires NO explanation. You do not owe the SARA an excuse. 
5. When the SARA gets nasty, goes underground or uses gorilla warfare like triangulation by engaging spouse, friend or parent or worst of all, their own children to get what they want - name the behavior and call the the SARA out on it. Don't let the SARA be the elephant in the room.
6. Be elegant and try the following lines if NO doesn't work for you: "I/we would like time alone with our family; Your request doesn't work for me/us; My/our home/time/resources are otherwise committed.
7. Don't be afraid to say YES if it works for you. While the fear of the slippery slope is scary, you are only a word away from NO.
8. Be prepared to repeat yourself.
9. Practice with a child. They too repeat themselves and don't give up easily. Note that this is developmentally healthy and on task for a child to be relentless. They provide the perfect boot camp for NO training.
10. Be prepared to be unpopular. 

You can run but you cannot hide from a SARA so don't even try. Instead, create boundaries, use your words and be firm. Sara's come on strong and leave you spinning until you no longer remember who is right and who is wrong. If you are challenged by freeloaders, moochers, cadgers or habitual imposers, be steadfast and confident in your right to say NO to those looking to reap what they did not sow.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Is This A Conversation I Want To Have? Tools and Techniques To Help You Re-Route The Unwanted Conversation

If a conversation is a two way street, why do we often feel like we are being run off the road? From curious co-worker, to nosey neighbor, from fascinated friend to prying parent, from snooping superior to information seeking Ex - how do you steer the conversation to a parking lot when it is going down a path you do not want to take?

Here are just some of the questions that loved ones, cheerleaders, friends, bosses, parents in the play ground, associates at the water cooler and interested in-laws ask every day that leave the recipient looking for conversation cop. 

• Are you engaged yet?
• Did you get the job/promotion?
• How much was your bonus? 
• Are you pregnant yet?
• Was Johnny accepted? 
• Why was Susie sent home from camp?
• I heard you separated......what happened?
• I head your Ex is dating; had an affair; is gay; just had a baby; bought a new house; has a new young thing.....
• I hear you are dating; having a rough time; struggling with the kids; in a miserable legal mess?
• I heard you just bought a new house/you have to sell your house......
• Are you dating again? 
• What stage cancer is it? 
• I hear you and Mary are no longer friends?
• You lost the account/client/deal?

 The opportunity to encroach on personal boundaries is limitless when individuals are not clear about where they stop and someone else begins. Every day we are faced head on with personal boundary violators who drive the conversation over the yellow line. If a boundary is defined as that which fixes a limit or extent, a separating line, a border, a barrier or a dividing line then it is time we give ourselves permission to respect our own boundaries even when others don't.

What if you were suddenly able to steer an unwelcome question to a place where you were more comfortable? Imagine putting an end to inappropriate inquiries and unwanted exploration? Try using the tips, tools and techniques listed  below when you feel the conversation is not going in the direction you want to travel.

1.  Remember, it is not your job or responsibility to take care of someone by participating in a conversation that leaves you feeling unsafe, awkward, invaded or uncomfortable.
2. You are in charge of your Conversation Comfort Compass. Determine a base point. Check it regularly.
3.  Remind yourself daily that it is healthy to set your conversational borders.
4. When the person asking the question or driving the conversation holds either a real or perceived position of power (for example, boss, parent or intimidating person), remember - you are still entitled to set parameters.
5. If you are not sure whether you want to respond, take a second, or two or three and say, "I need a moment to think about that" and then decide how you want to respond.  
6. If you are still not sure if you want to have the conversation say, "I need to think about that, and I will get back to you." You may still choose to let the person know that you do not want to go down that road.
7. Trust your instinct. If the territory proposed makes you feel uneasy, go with your gut.
8. Use "I " statements when letting someone know you do not choose to talk about the suggested subject matter. This will be easier if you do not take the line of inquiry personally. 
9. Review the proposed "lines" listed below, and practice, practice, practice.
10. When asked a question you do not want to answer try the following lines:

• It is a personal matter.
• I prefer not to go there.
• I am not going there.
• When there is something to share, I will let you know.
• I am uncomfortable having this conversation or discussing the issue.
• This is not something I choose to talk about.
• Thank you for your concern (this can be added to the end of the above-noted responses).
• I appreciate your interest/concern (this can be added to the end of the above-noted responses).
• If the conversation violator persists, simply repeat your response or choose another one and state or restate it calmly and respectfully.

To quote Mark Twain, "Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have a conversation." If the goal of a conversation is to exchange thoughts, ideas and opinions, all participants must feel like they are at the wheel of the dialogue and not in the back seat. So hang on to your boundaries for the ride, and remember it is your responsibility to respect yourself enough to say No to the conversation you don't want to have.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com