Lighten Your Load: Strategies For Dealing With Freeloading Friends and Family

How do you deal with family and friends who cavort around with entitlement spoons dangling from their mouths? Do you struggle to set limits or say no to those who know not where "what is yours starts" and "what is theirs ends"? How can you protect yourself from the Shameless And Relentless Askers (herein referred to as SARAs) in your life? 

The requests for resources, goods, time and energy come by phone, email and in person. They often sound like this:

• Can you score me some free tickets to the game, Bobby loves the Yankees and his birthday is coming up!
• I heard you won't be at your condo, cottage or chalet over the holidays - we are dying for a week away. By the way, are the beds made and is there gas in the boat?
• Cheryl just got her driver's license and since you are going away for the month, can she take your new SUV - she'd like to go north with her boyfriend.....Mike and I don't want to be without a car!
• Your pool is perfect place for Melissa to run her swim school this summer. Maybe you can let her know the hours you won't be in your own backyard?
• I would love to use your home for your nephew Trevor's birthday party  - which weekend would work? Is the fridge filled, or do I need to get drinks?
• Your house is the perfect venue to host the family holiday, event or rite of passage?
• Can you pick up, drive or deliver the children? 
• It's my daughter Tiffany's 16th birthday next week - she would like a watch, cell phone or necklace. I know your daughter's birthday is coming up, but really - there is nothing she needs!
• Will you take the kids next week? We need to get away.
• Can you help Brian get a job, set up his business, finance his venture, advise him, do his resume, connect him and be the father figure he needs. 

When the pain begins to set in and you come to realize that the relationship is a one way street - you give and they take, it may be time to change your behavior for your own sake. From requests for your clothes to your money, from your professional services to your ear,  from the guest that regularly arrives empty handed to the house guest who forgets to leave - the freeloader habitually takes advantage of your generosity. When you inevitably hit your "giving wall", and realize that reciprocity is not a part of the relationship recipe with a SARA, the following strategies may save you from annihilation and depletion.

1. Remember, SARA's  are impervious to etiquette or social decency and their behavior is marked by a bold lack of shame. How you factor into their request has not crossed their mind. Their blatant disregard for your feelings or rights says nothing about you. Their requests say everything about them. This is SARA School 101.
2. Your job is to set desired limits and not to teach the SARA a lesson.
3. When the desired response is NO - say NO. Do not go past GO.
4. Saying NO requires NO explanation. You do not owe the SARA an excuse. 
5. When the SARA gets nasty, goes underground or uses gorilla warfare like triangulation by engaging spouse, friend or parent or worst of all, their own children to get what they want - name the behavior and call the the SARA out on it. Don't let the SARA be the elephant in the room.
6. Be elegant and try the following lines if NO doesn't work for you: "I/we would like time alone with our family; Your request doesn't work for me/us; My/our home/time/resources are otherwise committed.
7. Don't be afraid to say YES if it works for you. While the fear of the slippery slope is scary, you are only a word away from NO.
8. Be prepared to repeat yourself.
9. Practice with a child. They too repeat themselves and don't give up easily. Note that this is developmentally healthy and on task for a child to be relentless. They provide the perfect boot camp for NO training.
10. Be prepared to be unpopular. 

You can run but you cannot hide from a SARA so don't even try. Instead, create boundaries, use your words and be firm. Sara's come on strong and leave you spinning until you no longer remember who is right and who is wrong. If you are challenged by freeloaders, moochers, cadgers or habitual imposers, be steadfast and confident in your right to say NO to those looking to reap what they did not sow.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Duty to Declare: Divorcing Driver On The Road

  Should there be a "Duty to Declare Divorce" to the Department of Motor Vehicles? Are the newly separated a danger to themselves and others when driving under the influence of divorce and its associated trauma? No doubt the onset of divorce is often akin to flying head-on into a Mack Truck, but does that mean you need to actually drive into one?

  On a daily basis, clients share stories of their most recent fender benders, collisions and sometimes major accidents - all noted as a direct consequence of overwhelming distraction and their distraught state. In particular, men and women report that in the early stages of separation they encounter an out of body experience and have little recollection of how they got through their day, managed their children or performed their job. 

They say that driving when fatigued is like driving while intoxicated. While it is difficult to attribute sleepiness to car accidents as there is no standardized test for fatigue like there is for intoxication, data shows that fatigue slows reaction time, decreases awareness and impairs judgement. The newly separated not only report inability to sleep and the ensuing fatigue but an overall feeling of emotional and physical exhaustion in the early stages of divorce or periods of extreme conflict.

So how do the newly separated get from point A to point B in their cars? Many have no idea. In fact, it is not uncommon for those in the throws of divorce to report locking keys in their car, driving in circles, passing their destination, forgetting where they are headed and getting lost on their way. Divorcing drivers have even commented that it was luck not presence of mind that allowed them to drive without incident.

If you or a loved one are driving under the influence of divorce consider the following strategies before getting behind the wheel:

1. Call a friend and ask for a ride. Finally, a way for someone waiting in the wings to be helpful.
2. Take a CAB, public transit or walk. Not only will you be safe, but you will have the opportunity to clear your head.
3. If you are going to drive, put your cell phone in the back seat. Resist all temptation to call your lawyer while driving, vent to a friend while at light or call your EX and rage. Eliminate an additional distraction.
4. Write down directions, get a map and put an extra set of car keys in your purse, pocket, office or other convenient location.
5. When you park the car, write down on a piece of paper the exact location of where you parked. Take the paper with you and pay attention to where you put it. Leave a pack of POST IT notes in the car to make this easy.
6.  Make sure you are well rested and take a coffee, tea or bottle of water along for the ride.
   
7. Never drive yourself to court. You are sure to be stressed to max on your way there only to be trumped by how you may feel on your way home. Follow 1 or 2.
8. The same can be said for driving to meetings with your lawyer. Follow 1 or 2.
9. If you feel like you are driving recklessly and cannot resist, give your car keys to a friend.
10. Slow down. Turn the music down. Turn the noise down. Turn the DVD player down and drive with extreme caution and care. Be aware of your distraction and focus.

If driving under the influence of divorce is on your radar, remember that it is not a chronic condition but rather a phase that can be navigated strategically and safely. At the very least, shake hands with your divorce distractions and your distress and drive with caution and care. 

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Ten Things No One Tells You About Divorce

Divorce knowledge is abundant. From books to articles from cocktail parties to locker rooms, from lawyers offices to the therapist's couch, there is no shortage of information, stories and advice available. Whether you are at the front end of divorce and looking for a guide, in the midst and searching for support, somewhere in between and worried about your children or on the precipice of a new life and need a map, divorce guidance is everywhere.

As a Divorce Coach, I cannot help but notice that there are elements endemic to the process of divorce that are prevalent and unexpected by those navigating their way. "Why didn't someone tell me", "this would be easier if I had known", and "how can I be prepared, if I don't know what to expect." I have taken those comments and I am sharing what I have found to be common themes that take people by surprise.

So hang on to your hat for the ride and take note of the following information you might not have come across:

1. You only separate from the person you were married to. Be prepared for the same wine in a new bottle.
2. The process moves as quickly as the slowest person and the least motivated. Be patient and prepare.
3. Get sleep and eat. While you may have lost 100 to 200 pounds of a partner, you need fuel to function.
4. You will receive lots of advice. Some of it is what you want to hear and not what you need to hear. Filter it. Then filter it again. 
5. You must go through the process to get through it. There are no shortcuts and you cannot be catapulted to the end. There will be an end. 
6. You cannot coach or educate your EX unless they sign up for your program. If they have not enrolled, give up.
7. You cannot do your EX's therapy. It is not clinically possible. Give up on your theories and do your own work. Doing your own therapy is hard enough - but worth the effort.
8. You will say, "I will never date again." You will if you want to.
9. You will say, "I will never have sex or fall in love again." You will if you want to.
10. You and only you are in charge of Chapter 2 (or 3 and so on). You get to decide if you are going to move forward. No one will do it for you and you will be allowed to sit in Chapter 1 forever. Do the work so you can move on.

The Divorce World is an alien planet. The regular rules of the road often, do not apply. If you find yourself lost in foreign territory, look for an anchor, take stock of what you do know and never forget there is always a way out. 

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com