Stuck In The House With Ex-Spouse: Tools and Rules To Help You Survive

When divorce is on the horizon how can you co-exist in a house with your soon to be ex-spouse? Is it possible to live separate and apart under one roof without raising it? Once the marriage is declared "over" there may be a period of time that leaves the separated sharing space when they are low on relationship grace. While there are separating spouses  that decide to share the matrimonial  home for an agreed upon period of time, others find themselves in the same predicament for different reasons. Financial limitations, unresolved legal issues, power struggles and difficulty selling the home result in many former life-partners co-existing under one roof involuntarily.

In these particularly challenging economic times, with the matrimonial home often being the couple's largest asset, slow sales, soft markets and a lack of palatable alternatives  may result in "mom's room, dad's room" carrying on for longer than intended. Navigating your way around home base when you no longer want to see your Ex's face is not for the faint of heart. Allocating your time, your boundaries, and your feelings in a way that leaves your sanity in tact and keeps your children from falling through the cracks requires two committed people.

 If you find yourself dividing your heart along with your home, develop a plan to help you share in a way that is fair.  Be intentional, mindful and strategic and consider the following tools and rules to help you handle this overwhelming difficult time.

1. Beware: LAND MINE AHEAD. Shake hands with reality and be realistic as to the challenges that lay in the fore. Living separate and apart under one roof can be unpredictable, arduous and volatile. Do not pass go without a plan.
2. Build boundaries. Create separate space especially for the most intimate parts of your day: sleeping, private time in bathrooms and a safe place for your personal belongings that is accessible at all times. Designating and adhering to an agreed upon division of hours and space, taking turns, respecting privacy, and using self-restraint are necessary behaviors. A rule of thumb: Never walk into the other person's territory without express permission. When in doubt, find a new route.
3. Play the part of Casper the friendly ghost. Develop a temporary schedule that clarifies specific days and times that each parent is in charge and the other is "off duty." The parent in charge is the "go to" parent and the other parent makes themselves scarce. This serves to minimize opportunities for conflict. Note, that this only works if the "off-duty parent" is invisible at best and outside the scope of parenting radar at worst. 
4. Be your own domestic god/ess. Do your own laundry and prepare your own food. This will eliminate resentment. If your arrangement involves doing things for one and other discuss the details, create a written agreement and review it weekly or monthly to ensure that it is working for both parties. 
5. Those that no longer sleep together should discuss whether they want to eat together. It may be time to create a new interim meal time tradition. 
6. If you use it, loose it. Clean up after yourself and put your own things away. Leaving behind soiled dishes, a trail of laundry or garbage for your house mate to deal with is dirty play.
7. Replace with grace. If you empty the fridge, the gas tank, the toothpaste tube, the kleenex box or anything else that was once there, replenish and restock before you need to talk. 
8. Let patience and discretion be your guides. Wait to date. Do your best to hold of on a dating kick-off. It will save you from an unwanted fumble or scrimmage.
9. If you begin to liaise, discuss the terms of this stage. Keep it separate and out of the house.
10. Don't be an island. Bring in a captain to help you chart the waters, create rules and arrive at an agreement to live by. Meet with a coach or mediator to help you prepare with care.

Living separate and apart under one roof is like traveling to a foreign country. In fact, the language, customs and practices you are familiar with may even result in the opposite effect. In order to prepare for your journey, research the world you are traveling to. A streetwise traveler is informed, packs a map, takes a guide and always has telephone numbers and a "safety plan" in case of emergency. 

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Lighten Your Load: Strategies For Dealing With Freeloading Friends and Family

How do you deal with family and friends who cavort around with entitlement spoons dangling from their mouths? Do you struggle to set limits or say no to those who know not where "what is yours starts" and "what is theirs ends"? How can you protect yourself from the Shameless And Relentless Askers (herein referred to as SARAs) in your life? 

The requests for resources, goods, time and energy come by phone, email and in person. They often sound like this:

• Can you score me some free tickets to the game, Bobby loves the Yankees and his birthday is coming up!
• I heard you won't be at your condo, cottage or chalet over the holidays - we are dying for a week away. By the way, are the beds made and is there gas in the boat?
• Cheryl just got her driver's license and since you are going away for the month, can she take your new SUV - she'd like to go north with her boyfriend.....Mike and I don't want to be without a car!
• Your pool is perfect place for Melissa to run her swim school this summer. Maybe you can let her know the hours you won't be in your own backyard?
• I would love to use your home for your nephew Trevor's birthday party  - which weekend would work? Is the fridge filled, or do I need to get drinks?
• Your house is the perfect venue to host the family holiday, event or rite of passage?
• Can you pick up, drive or deliver the children? 
• It's my daughter Tiffany's 16th birthday next week - she would like a watch, cell phone or necklace. I know your daughter's birthday is coming up, but really - there is nothing she needs!
• Will you take the kids next week? We need to get away.
• Can you help Brian get a job, set up his business, finance his venture, advise him, do his resume, connect him and be the father figure he needs. 

When the pain begins to set in and you come to realize that the relationship is a one way street - you give and they take, it may be time to change your behavior for your own sake. From requests for your clothes to your money, from your professional services to your ear,  from the guest that regularly arrives empty handed to the house guest who forgets to leave - the freeloader habitually takes advantage of your generosity. When you inevitably hit your "giving wall", and realize that reciprocity is not a part of the relationship recipe with a SARA, the following strategies may save you from annihilation and depletion.

1. Remember, SARA's  are impervious to etiquette or social decency and their behavior is marked by a bold lack of shame. How you factor into their request has not crossed their mind. Their blatant disregard for your feelings or rights says nothing about you. Their requests say everything about them. This is SARA School 101.
2. Your job is to set desired limits and not to teach the SARA a lesson.
3. When the desired response is NO - say NO. Do not go past GO.
4. Saying NO requires NO explanation. You do not owe the SARA an excuse. 
5. When the SARA gets nasty, goes underground or uses gorilla warfare like triangulation by engaging spouse, friend or parent or worst of all, their own children to get what they want - name the behavior and call the the SARA out on it. Don't let the SARA be the elephant in the room.
6. Be elegant and try the following lines if NO doesn't work for you: "I/we would like time alone with our family; Your request doesn't work for me/us; My/our home/time/resources are otherwise committed.
7. Don't be afraid to say YES if it works for you. While the fear of the slippery slope is scary, you are only a word away from NO.
8. Be prepared to repeat yourself.
9. Practice with a child. They too repeat themselves and don't give up easily. Note that this is developmentally healthy and on task for a child to be relentless. They provide the perfect boot camp for NO training.
10. Be prepared to be unpopular. 

You can run but you cannot hide from a SARA so don't even try. Instead, create boundaries, use your words and be firm. Sara's come on strong and leave you spinning until you no longer remember who is right and who is wrong. If you are challenged by freeloaders, moochers, cadgers or habitual imposers, be steadfast and confident in your right to say NO to those looking to reap what they did not sow.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Is This A Conversation I Want To Have? Tools and Techniques To Help You Re-Route The Unwanted Conversation

If a conversation is a two way street, why do we often feel like we are being run off the road? From curious co-worker, to nosey neighbor, from fascinated friend to prying parent, from snooping superior to information seeking Ex - how do you steer the conversation to a parking lot when it is going down a path you do not want to take?

Here are just some of the questions that loved ones, cheerleaders, friends, bosses, parents in the play ground, associates at the water cooler and interested in-laws ask every day that leave the recipient looking for conversation cop. 

• Are you engaged yet?
• Did you get the job/promotion?
• How much was your bonus? 
• Are you pregnant yet?
• Was Johnny accepted? 
• Why was Susie sent home from camp?
• I heard you separated......what happened?
• I head your Ex is dating; had an affair; is gay; just had a baby; bought a new house; has a new young thing.....
• I hear you are dating; having a rough time; struggling with the kids; in a miserable legal mess?
• I heard you just bought a new house/you have to sell your house......
• Are you dating again? 
• What stage cancer is it? 
• I hear you and Mary are no longer friends?
• You lost the account/client/deal?

 The opportunity to encroach on personal boundaries is limitless when individuals are not clear about where they stop and someone else begins. Every day we are faced head on with personal boundary violators who drive the conversation over the yellow line. If a boundary is defined as that which fixes a limit or extent, a separating line, a border, a barrier or a dividing line then it is time we give ourselves permission to respect our own boundaries even when others don't.

What if you were suddenly able to steer an unwelcome question to a place where you were more comfortable? Imagine putting an end to inappropriate inquiries and unwanted exploration? Try using the tips, tools and techniques listed  below when you feel the conversation is not going in the direction you want to travel.

1.  Remember, it is not your job or responsibility to take care of someone by participating in a conversation that leaves you feeling unsafe, awkward, invaded or uncomfortable.
2. You are in charge of your Conversation Comfort Compass. Determine a base point. Check it regularly.
3.  Remind yourself daily that it is healthy to set your conversational borders.
4. When the person asking the question or driving the conversation holds either a real or perceived position of power (for example, boss, parent or intimidating person), remember - you are still entitled to set parameters.
5. If you are not sure whether you want to respond, take a second, or two or three and say, "I need a moment to think about that" and then decide how you want to respond.  
6. If you are still not sure if you want to have the conversation say, "I need to think about that, and I will get back to you." You may still choose to let the person know that you do not want to go down that road.
7. Trust your instinct. If the territory proposed makes you feel uneasy, go with your gut.
8. Use "I " statements when letting someone know you do not choose to talk about the suggested subject matter. This will be easier if you do not take the line of inquiry personally. 
9. Review the proposed "lines" listed below, and practice, practice, practice.
10. When asked a question you do not want to answer try the following lines:

• It is a personal matter.
• I prefer not to go there.
• I am not going there.
• When there is something to share, I will let you know.
• I am uncomfortable having this conversation or discussing the issue.
• This is not something I choose to talk about.
• Thank you for your concern (this can be added to the end of the above-noted responses).
• I appreciate your interest/concern (this can be added to the end of the above-noted responses).
• If the conversation violator persists, simply repeat your response or choose another one and state or restate it calmly and respectfully.

To quote Mark Twain, "Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have a conversation." If the goal of a conversation is to exchange thoughts, ideas and opinions, all participants must feel like they are at the wheel of the dialogue and not in the back seat. So hang on to your boundaries for the ride, and remember it is your responsibility to respect yourself enough to say No to the conversation you don't want to have.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com