Executives
hire a professional coach to help achieve personal and professional
growth. Building a new life from the ashes of a divorce is even more
challenging, but there are similar steps in the process.
When
we think of the word “coach”, we imagine someone who is vibrant,
inspiring and able to provide us with the practical tools to make
positive change in our lives. That’s Deborah Mecklinger LL.B., M.S.W.
Deborah
is a Professional Coach, Mediator and Therapist with over 20 years of
experience working with individuals, couples and families who are
focused on navigating the process of divorce in a healthy and positive
way.
She is passionate about helping people realize
their goals and build on their strengths. Deborah is compassionate and
down to earth. She developed her “Walk the Talk”
coaching practice using a multidisciplinary approach to life’s
challenges based on her experience and education in conflict resolution
and mediation. She is also an accomplished lawyer with a Masters in
Social Work.
Deborah has taught mediation at the
University of Toronto and at Seneca College. She attended The Adler
School of Professional Coaching, University of Toronto Graduate School,
Osgoode Hall Law School and Oxford University. Her practice is located
in Toronto, Ontario.
First Wives World had the pleasure of speaking with Deborah about overcoming the challenges of the divorce process.
You
have such an accomplished background as a lawyer, mediator, therapist
and coach. What was your original goal and how did you manage to achieve
all of that?
Deborah: In terms of the law, I
didn’t practice law for too long of a time. I would say I owe law a
thank you card for helping me know that I didn’t want to practice early
on, so I started to pursue other things. I became aware of mediation at
an early stage when I was articling. I decided that I wanted to start
practicing mediation and I became certified as a mediator.
Not
much was happening in Ontario at the time, so I applied for an
internship in two states that were more progressive. At that time,
California was one of the leaders in mediation in matters of custody and
access and the State of Florida was well on its way.
I
applied and received an internship in the Fort Lauderdale courts in the
Family Mediation and Conciliation program in Broward County where they
ultimately offered me a full-time job as a divorce mediator. I continued
to take classes at a well-known dispute resolution center: CDR
Associates, formerly known as The Center for Dispute Resolution (now
operating as CDR Associates in Boulder, Colorado).
They
offered me an opportunity to mediate and to teach and train others, so I
moved there for a period of time. I came back to Toronto as I had
deferred my bar exams. Upon graduation, I took a job as a litigation
lawyer for the Catholic Children’s Aid Society. Of course it was
interesting and challenging, but it wasn’t what I truly wanted to be
doing. I did that for about a year and then decided I really wanted to
pursue my passion in mediation .
I spent a period of
time working as a conflict resolver at the Sutton Place Hotel where I
did employer/employee dispute resolution. It was also the time when the
United Steelworkers of America were taking over the hotel and it was
becoming unionized. It was a really interesting time, but while I was
there I was offered an opportunity to work with and then oversee a
colleague’s mediation practice while they were going on sabbatical. That
was really what I wanted to be doing all along. I decided that I wanted
to go back to Graduate School and do my Masters in Social Work, in
order to add a therapy and clinical component to my practice and
ultimately have my own practice.
I worked in clinical
settings while I built my practice and that’s now twenty something odd
years later that I’ve been doing divorce mediation. About seven or eight
years ago, I decided that I wanted to give a name to what I was doing
in a different part of my practice, which was strategic work to help
people define very clear goals in the divorce process and providing them
with practical solutions and tools. I attended The Adler School of
Professional Coaching and did the coaching program and then continued to
offer more of that piece to clients – the divorce coaching piece.
A
couple of years later, I went to New York and did a Master
Certification in stepfamily coaching. My goal is to be able to offer an
opportunity to approach divorce in a more mindful, practical way from
the point of entry to the end of the process where one might be
reinventing themselves and/or dealing with stepfamily issues and all the
things that happen throughout the process.
There are
thousands of nuances that become complicated choices around behavior and
practices, to coming out of that journey and being in a good place.
That’s a lot of what I do in addition to the divorce mediation. I always
say that it was because of my clients that I developed this piece of my
practice. Clients would invariably say, “You helped me with the divorce
process, now I’m dealing with this issue at work and I could use some
of that practical guidance.” Perhaps they were thinking of building a
business or they had a child who needed help. That led to the other
facets of my coaching practice; same wine in different bottles.
I
imagine that a lot of women who have been divorced need to make changes
such as re-entering the workforce after being a stay at home mother.
They need guidance with a number of things, like how to fit into the
workplace or get a better job to support a family.
Deborah:
Absolutely. I have a woman I am working with right now who is bright
and articulate and mindful, but she has no confidence and she doesn’t
see any of that. Every step of the way is a challenge because she doubts
herself. It’s a bit different for this woman because it’s been quite
some time since her divorce and she’s in a healthy relationship. For the
woman who’s just had a divorce – it’s a beat oneself up kind of process
even at the best of times. You are full of doubt and shame and second
guessing and questioning, even if there isn’t somebody who has helped to
bring you down. To try and show the world your best self and tell a
potential employee that you are worthy is hard if you don’t feeling
worthy and confident.
They are now calling this
trend for older couples getting divorced after many years, the “grey
divorce” Are there older women who have maybe lived a different
lifestyle and never worked outside the home and need help to readjust?
I’m sure it still happens.
Deborah: It happens
because it has to happen, depending on the resources of the people
separating. It can be very frightening. Many women are being forced to
go back to work because they can’t afford not to. It depends on what’s
in the joint pot. It takes a certain amount of money for two families to
live off the fat of the land of one, as they make their way into
retirement . It’s a really scary thing for older women entering the
workforce. It’s certainly very complicated. Young women should never
stop working!
The Grey Marriage Photo by Abdulsalam Haykal flickr.com/photos/transtek/ (Some Rights Reserved)
You wrote an article about another form of “grey marriage”
– the kind where there isn’t abuse or real nastiness, but it is an
unfulfilling union. You are the first person I’ve heard talk about this,
most people focus on the really bad marriages. Grey marriages are
probably more common.
Deborah: The decision to
divorce is a really tough one and when I hear people say divorce is too
easy or happens so easily, I don’t agree. I’ve yet to see somebody
divorce easily or fly out of a relationship. Someone on the outside of
the relationship isn’t seeing the anguish or living through the years of
thinking about something before someone does something about it.
In
what I call the grey marriage, it is possible to live a life where you
stay in the marriage; it’s not that it is impossible. The choice to have
perhaps a more meaningful life, a more fulfilling life – it’s hard for
people to take care of themselves that way or honor themselves in that
way.
It isn’t that the marriage is toxic or abusive or
has what one may call a “non-negotiable” like infidelity, addiction,
or some other intense betrayal that people would, in popular culture
believe justify divorce. If you don’t have the requisite criteria that
falls into the “divorce-worthy bucket”, it can be even harder for
people to make the decision to divorce. It doesn’t mean that making the
decision to leave isn’t the right decision, but it may be harder to be
sure – because staying is viable. Moreover, it’s hard for people to
believe that they are going to get emotional support from their circle
of friends, family and their world at large.
Is
the whole culture around divorce changing and becoming more positive
and less adversarial? There seems to be more access to mediation and
coaching to make the process better by working with people like you.
Deborah:
I think that there is definitely more awareness and commitment to a
more peaceful and healthier process. I’d say that there is more of an
emphasis on a peaceful process when kids are involved. It’s a trend that
has taken over in matters or custody and access, which is very
important. I work with a lot of experienced lawyers in Toronto and I
would say that the more sophisticated the lawyer, the more committed
they are to a healthier process. An experienced and mindful lawyer
knows when to use an aggressive forum and when not to.
I’ll
meet a client who will say, my spouse hired so and so and I hear that
they are a barracuda. Now I need a killer shark. I’ll say, so and so
is not a barracuda, they are a mindful and sophisticated practitioner. I
don’t find that things are thrown to the wolves just for the sake of
it, by a skilled practitioner. Sophisticated practitioners are good
negotiators, they know when issues should be in a mediation,
arbitration, or litigated. Not as much gets “duked out” with healthy
people. There is still plenty of “crazy time” and anger, that’s for
sure, but I just think there is more happening in alternative arenas.
A lot of people don’t know whether they need coaching, therapy or mediation. Can you explain the processes?
Deborah:
Mediation is a process where a neutral third party in a divorce helps
the spouses negotiate agreements in a peaceful way so that both parties
are part of the solution. The mediator doesn’t tell people what to do;
the mediator is a neutral guide who helps facilitate the decision making
process. In an ideal world, the two parties are both satisfied because
they have been part of the process. It’s a very practical problem
solving process with clear goals that are concrete. The outcome is
typically an agreement of sorts, depending on what the outstanding
issues are. In matters involving custody and access, it may be a
parenting plan, a timesharing arrangement, day-to-day guidelines, as
well as arrangements regarding all the practical pieces that impact
people who are separating.
Divorce mediation can also
result in agreements regarding child support, spousal support (alimony)
and property division. The goal is to reach an agreement that helps
people avoid an alternative process that is more conflictual.
It’s
hard to “bucket” therapy because there are so many different kinds of
therapy. Typically, therapy involves dealing with the emotional world
and how one feels. In divorce, therapy is a process to help people cope
with the emotional journey. It’s about understanding what happened – who
am I in this, how have I contributed and what’s going on in the
emotional world. As well, it is about the wounds, healing and recovery.
Coaching
from my perspective kind of fits into the black hole that I don’t think
either process deals with specifically – I’m navigating my way through
divorce, there are many challenges and I need tools and strategies to
help me cope. While I am trying to feel better, I need to behave better.
What should I do?
The thing that I find about
divorce is that it can take a really long time to understand. Sometimes
people still don’t understand years later what their piece was, what
actually happened, or they may have a version or a theory. While
understanding and healing occurs people still have to cope, manage and
tend to children, business and important matters. I help people to
develop practical tools, coping strategies, intentional behaviors,
mindful approaches to challenging situations, and adaptive practices
that can be employed day-to-day as they navigate the landmines of
divorce.
I deal with goals versus wishes. A goal must
be achievable and it must be something you can do on your own. I try and
encourage people to clearly delineate the difference between wishes and
goals. The coaching process in divorce helps people to harness the
pieces they can take control of in a time and a world where they feel
very out of control.
It seems like more people
are seeking out a professional coach for everything from life coaching
to executive coaching, and all of life’s challenges.
Deborah:
It is a luxury, but if we can afford it, why not have somebody to help
us get clear about what our choices are, help us to be more intentional
and to develop outcomes that serve us? On the other hand, how can we
afford not to use a coach? The divorce process is overwhelming and
confusing and people often don’t see how they can “self-direct”. It is
particularly interesting helping people during this time of tumult.
Clients need to have a template for what they need to do. How do I talk
to my children? When my spouse and I are separating and we are still
sharing space together, what are the rules of engagement? Every minute
of every day is an opportunity for them to make practical choices and to
develop tools to cope in areas that are brand new and challenging
because the ways to go wrong are so plentiful.
Do you work with the entire family?
Deborah:
When I am mediating, I work with both parties. As a coach, I see a lot
of people on their own. I have many co-parents who I have worked with
from beginning to end. They come to talk about their kids and to develop
parenting strategies and plans. They may come to ask for help to plan
an event – it is our son’s Bar
Mitzvah/baptism/christening/wedding/birthday and we need to figure out
how to put the event together in a very respectful and elegant way and
what’s that going to look like? We have a child who is dealing with a
school/ learning issue and we need to figure out how to support his/her
dyslexia or we have a child who is ill and need a plan of care. There
are so many different issues. I often deal with three generations -
grandparents, parents and children.
I can see that, especially in a divorce, the grandparents can feel left out. That must be a major issue.
Deborah:
Parent’s most often carve out the role for grandparents in intact
families and in separated families. If grandparent’s are excluded they
may wish to exercise rights and to use their voice in a process like
mediation to resolve issues and or relationships. A grandparent may
have a different view of what their role should be. Oftentimes a
grandparent is directing a parent and that can be a different challenge.
Working with grandparents can offer a holistic approach in many
situations and this can also involve education, boundary setting and
communication coaching.
These things are very
challenging for the people who really want to try and do it right. It’s a
great process to get everybody on board and develop healthy tools so
that they are all speaking the same language. I try and help my clients
develop a new vocabulary and come up with healthier language. However
it is a much healthier language if all family members are using it.
How
do you break the news of a divorce to children? Even adult children
have a difficult time accepting their parents’ divorce, sometimes it is
even more difficult for them.
Deborah: I think
in the best of situations, the mom and the dad would sit down with the
kids together after they have developed a joint message, or a script of
what they agree to share with the children. It depends on the age and
stage of the children, but having said that, I do think that whether you
are forty hearing about your parents’ divorce, or you are four, I don’t
know that the forty-year-old needs a lot more information than the
four-year-old, or wants a lot more information than the four-year-old.
I
really believe that if parents were to talk to their forty-year-old
kids like they would a four-year-old, they would do a whole lot better.
For the most part, when they talk to the older person, they share a
whole lot of information that is not appropriate.
I
think components about telling children about divorce, if it is a
healthy child that is developmentally on task, if they are narcissistic
and thinks about how this impacts them – I think they are best served by
understanding it’s a hard decision that the parents haven’t arrived at
easily and that the parents still care for one another but are not able
to be happy together in a way that is important to each of them.
They
have to let the children know that they have decided they would both be
happier to be leading lives on their own but they love the children
deeply and will be there for them, separate and together. It’s important
to let them know that nothing that has happened is the children’s fault
and that though it’s going to be challenging, they are both going to be
there to help them through it.
In terms of content
around why this is happening; the inner workings of the relationship and
the dynamics, I don’t think that any kid needs to be a part of that nor
do they want to be a part of that. I think that is stuff that should be
shared with a therapist or their best friend over a cocktail or a cup
of coffee and not their children.
The most important
part of the conversation with their kids is, what’s life going to look
like? So the conversation is best had when parents are clear about what
the next steps are and what the kid’s life is going to look like and
having a plan in place. That is what gives the kids confidence, security
and stability – those important pieces that will keep them grounded
comforted and an anchored.
It isn’t really divorce
that destroys children, it’s the way that people do it that rocks their
world. It can be earth shattering at first because their world is rocked
and changed. Parents need to go through the process respectfully,
decently and in a mindful way where there isn’t conflict. There really
can’t be a lot of conflict because the kids are privy to undercurrents.
Kids know what is going on with their parents. It is HOW parents
navigate their way through the process that affects kids most
dramatically.
It’s really not about that “onetime”
speech. That conversation is going to happen in a hundred and one ways,
on a million and one different occasions. It is going to be revisited in
so many different situations and it is an ongoing conversation that has
to be respectful and congruent with the opening conversation. Most
importantly, it has to be congruent with the parents’ behavior. If the
behavior is different than the conversation, then the conversation is
moot.
Which brings me to ‘walk the talk’. That is my
number one thing – congruence. It doesn’t matter what you say, it’s what
you do. You have to act the part, you have to behave in kind and if you
are saying one thing and showing them something else, it’s just not
going to work. That’s why I try to help people develop behaviours that
are congruent with the message. I will tell people long before they are
ready to be the part; they have to act the part.
What
does it look like to behave like a respectful person in divorce? What
does that mean when I want to say “asshole”? What should I say instead?
Well why don’t you say, Bob? How about using his name? So let’s start
with language. Let’s develop different habits so “asshole” doesn’t slip
out. Instead of saying “slut”, why don’t you call her Bridgette, so that
doesn’t slip out when the kids are there? Literally, that’s how I drill
it down.
It sounds positive and it might work in a
different narrative. Ultimately this becomes a habit. I guess you could
say I try and help people develop better divorce habits.
Talking it out – Photo by Bailey Rae Weaver flickr.com/photos/baileysjunk/(Some Rights Reserved)
What
if you try on your side, but the other person isn’t cooperative? You
can only work on yourself. Can therapy or coaching help when the other
person is being really negative and awful?
Deborah:
It depends. The answer varies, depending on which of those processes
you are talking about. If you are in mediation and there aren’t two
parties that want to be a part of a cooperative dispute resolution
process, one person can’t be in mediation by themselves. I don’t want to
deal with people who are coming to mediation to check off a box, they
both have to be committed or it just becomes a forum for beating each
other up and I don’t want to be a part of that.
I think
there are lots of benefits and there are lots of positive outcomes that
one can receive from being in therapy regardless of whether somebody
else wants to participate in the process. You can’t be in marital
therapy by yourself, and you can’t be in family therapy alone, but you
can work on personal change that can potentially impact any of those
situations on your own.
Coaching as well; you can
benefit from individual coaching whether or not someone else wants to be
part of the process. In fact, if you are dealing with a challenging
person, coaching can be extremely beneficial. I deal with a lot of
individuals in my practice who have tried everything to make changes in
their situation through negotiation, mediation or litigation. Then they
get to the place where they are saying so now what? Now I actually have
to cope. A lot of that happens in divorce – once they are finished with
the lawyers, it’s kind of like: the patient survived the surgery but
died in recovery. Now coaching can begin!
I help people
come out of that recovery so that they are not limping, so that they
have healthy tools to walk and to manage their world, given their
idiosyncratic situations. So if they have an alienating parent, an
abusive situation or toxic elements, there are ways that they can deal
with challenging situations –financially, practically or with their
children. You can think of a thousand and one situations – how do they
build their lives, how they make positive productive choices that will
serve them given the predicament they have to shake hand with.
Most
of us seem to get into these patterns and we never think of new ways to
cope or interact. A lot of us alienate our friends and family by
constantly talking about our divorce problems. Is that something you
help people with?
Deborah: I think people
develop habits that don’t serve them. If you think of it more as a habit
instead of a pattern, it’s less daunting to change because you can
really develop a different habit, a new divorce habit. I try and help
people develop different practices, behaviors and habits that will
result in better outcomes. It’s a new way of interacting with people:
how to deal with the private and the public divorce and the different
tiers – what to say to my family, to my first tier friends, to the
second tier friends, my children’s friends parents, my employer, my
colleagues , etc. It starts by developing a way of approaching divorce
that creates a whole way of living with it and a completely different
narrative. Your friends are like milk; they have a shelf life and like
milk will go bad if you are constantly talking about your divorce. They
don’t want to hear about it over and over again. They run out of tools
and get depleted. The only person who is going to hear about it over and
over again is the person you are paying by the hour. The only person
who should hear about it is the one who can help bring about positive
change. I try and help people to appreciate that they can make concrete
changes and develop healthier divorce habits.
Thank you, Deborah, for sharing your expertise and insight with us.
How do you deal with the situations that divorce has brought to your life? Share your stories in the comment box below.
