Deb Said

Divorcing spouses quit Facebook in favour of privacy

2010-09-20T21:24:00.000-07:00

Divorcing spouses quit Facebook in favour of privacy

I am quoted in an article in The National Post on Divorce and Social Media

Managing the Step Family: A Strategic Approach to Mergers and Acquisitions

2010-03-12T14:30:00.000-08:00

You are entering a new dimension, an alien world where the regular rules of the road do not apply. It is the world of STEP FAMILY. No - not "Blended Family", because it is critical that you understand this sooner than later, Step Families do NOT blend, they collide. So hang on to your hat for the ride and prepare yourself for a more realistic approach to your merger or acquisition.

As a Master Certified Step Family Coach with The Step Family Foundation of New York, I would encourage you to do away with all myths and fantasies connected to dating when either you or your new partner have children from a former relationship. It is essential that couples relinquish any preconceived ideas of what remarriage with children from former relationships might look like.

Do not allow love, passion, excitement or hope to catapult you into any form of "blended family delusion." Love Me, Love My Children is not the motto that works. Wishful thinking, fantasies or idealized visions will get in the way of creating a map that will lead you to your intended destination - a thriving step family.

Instead, put on a set of clear lenses, roll up your sleeves and get ready to prepare, as you attempt one of the biggest challenges you have ever tackled. The more realistic, informed and mindful your are - the greater the likelihood that you will be successful as you move to connect two complex family systems in a meaningful way.

It is highly recommended that anyone attempting to forge healthy and positive step family relationships first develop an understanding about the unique behaviors and dynamics endemic of step families. Once understood, it is essential that couples work together as a team to create roles, rules and a concrete road map. As CEOS of your respective corporations, you will be well-poised to deal with your intended merger and acquisition in a proactive way.

Deborah L. Mecklinger, LL.B., M.S.W, A.T.C
Professional Coach, Mediator and Therapist

www.walkthetalkcoaching.com
www.debsaid.com

DIVORCEE ON BOARD: A NEW FORM OF ROAD RAGE

2009-06-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

Divorcee on Board: A New Form of Road Rage?
As Posted on FIRSTWIVESWORLD.COM by Deborah Mecklinger on Sun, 06/28/2009 - 11:57pm

Should there be a "Duty to Declare Divorce" to the Department of Motor Vehicles? Are the newly separated a danger to themselves and others when driving under the influence of divorce and its associated trauma? No doubt the onset of divorce is often akin to flying head-on into a Mack Truck, but does that mean you need to actually drive into one?

On a daily basis, clients share stories of their most recent fender benders, collisions and sometimes major accidents — all noted as a direct consequence of overwhelming distraction and their distraught state. In particular, men and women report that in the early stages of separation they encounter an out-of-body experience and have little recollection of how they got through their day, managed their children or performed their job.

They say that driving when fatigued is like driving while intoxicated. While it is difficult to attribute sleepiness to car accidents as there is no standardized test for fatigue like there is for intoxication, data shows that fatigue slows reaction time, decreases awareness and impairs judgment. The newly separated not only report inability to sleep and the ensuing fatigue but an overall feeling of emotional and physical exhaustion in the early stages of divorce or periods of extreme conflict.

So how do the newly separated get from point A to point B in their cars? Many have no idea. In fact, it is not uncommon for those in the throws of divorce to report locking keys in their car, driving in circles, passing their destination, forgetting where they are headed and getting lost on their way. Divorcing drivers have even commented that it was luck not presence of mind that allowed them to drive without incident.

If you or a loved one are driving under the influence of divorce consider the following strategies before getting behind the wheel:

1. Call a friend and ask for a ride. Finally, a way for someone waiting in the wings to be helpful.
2. Take a cab, public transit, or walk. Not only will you be safe, but you will have the opportunity to clear your head.
3. If you are going to drive, put your cell phone in the back seat. Resist all temptation to call your lawyer while driving, vent to a friend while at light or call your EX and rage. Eliminate an additional distraction.
4. Write down directions, get a map and put an extra set of car keys in your purse, pocket, office or other convenient location.
5. When you park the car, write down on a piece of paper the exact location of where you parked. Take the paper with you and pay attention to where you put it. Leave a pack of POST IT notes in the car to make this easy.
6. Make sure you are well rested and take a coffee, tea, or bottle of water along for the ride.
7. Never drive yourself to court. You are sure to be stressed to max on your way there only to be trumped by how you may feel on your way home. Follow 1 or 2.
8. The same can be said for driving to meetings with your lawyer.
9. If you feel like you are driving recklessly and cannot resist, give your car keys to a friend.
10. Slow down. Turn the music down. Turn the noise down. Turn the DVD player down and drive with extreme caution and care. Be aware of your distraction and focus.

If driving under the influence of divorce is on your radar, remember that it is not a chronic condition but rather a phase that can be navigated strategically and safely. At the very least, shake hands with your divorce distractions and your distress and drive with caution and care.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Big Night Out: Celebrating Big Brothers and Big Sisters......AS FIRST PUBLISHED ON WOMAN.CA

2009-06-07T20:23:00.000-07:00

Big Night Out: Celebrating Big Brothers and Big Sisters

Friday, June 5, 2009 Posted in Career - Mentor Profiles

E-mail comment on this item

Co-Host Debra McGrath Gets Personal with WOMAN.ca

altWhat's better than a big, beautiful summer night out of "pay-it-forward" fun with Deb McGrath and Colin Mochrie?

Generations of young Canadians have benefited from the tireless work of Big Brothers and Big Sisters of Toronto (BBBST).

WOMAN.ca's Career Section Columnist Deborah Mecklinger connects with Debra McGrath on this big festive occassion. The exclusive annual event took place June 4th 2009 at the Liberty Grand in Toronto. McGrath and her husband Colin Mochrie lent their talent as hosts of this spectacular event. The gala celebrates the organization’s stars – the adult volunteers and their Little Brothers and Sisters.

The dazzling event glittered with celebrities and paparazzi. Some of the stars that walked the red carpet in honor of BBST were: Michael Labinjo (Calgary Stampeders), Sony recording artist Eva Avila, ET Canada Host Cheryl Hickey, Recording Artist Sean Jones, Olympic champion Donovan Bailey, CFL Player Mike Labinjo and Gemini and Genie Award-Winning Canadian Director Peter Raymont.

WOMAN.ca Honours Big Brothers Big Sisters

Our own Deborah Mecklinger meets the multi-faceted actress, comedienne, writer and performer extraordinaire over coffee.

There's only one problem, one cup of coffee is not enough – I now want Debra McGrath to be my friend and so would you. Deb is a woman’s woman. She's warm, engaging, real, intelligent, soulful, witty and anchored. Rooted in family, community, friends, marriage and motherhood – Debra takes all that to her writing, television and the stage. She also brought it to our meeting at Starbucks. Lucky me.

Among McGrath’s accomplishments are: Women Fully Clothed, Paradise Falls, Getting Along Famously and Little Mosque on The Prairie. Writer, director, actress and comedienne are only some of Deb’s hats. As local evidence of Debra’s talent, she recently received her star on the Scarborough Walk of Fame. Debra described the overwhelming emotion she experienced as she received this honor with her life-long friends, extended family, son and husband there to celebrate with her.

I decided to take the interview to a place that Google did not steer me to. McGrath, a very open and wise woman’s woman, was gracious enough to open up and share. Here are some words of wisdom we can all benefit from.

On living your best life: “Take a good look in the mirror and be so appreciative of your body and how it looks and how it feels and love what you see. I promise you will look back and say, why the hell didn’t I know how good I looked?”

On risk-taking: "Go for it, take chances. Don’t be afraid. Take risks. I do it now in my way and am no longer afraid of making a fool of myself. Don’t be afraid to fail, don’t play it safe – don’t settle for middle ground."

On happiness: "Give yourself permission to do what makes you happy. I am no longer doing anything in my life that makes me miserable, and if it does, I am getting out of it. I am doing what makes me happy.”

On friendship: “Surround yourself with those who bring something positive to your life. I have weeded out or been weeded out by those that don’t bring me pleasure or add to my life.”

On marriage: “I am proud to say that I have a stupendous marriage of quality and joy. We laugh all the time. Say what you like and don’t like, apologize, accept criticism if it is done constructively, do things together and change it up. A good marriage involves falling in love over and over again with the same person.”

On laughter: “Laugh at each other, laugh with each other and laugh at yourself.”

I left my meeting with McGrath feeling positive and empowered as she shared her approach to living her best life. I could think of no better woman to share the stage as host of the Big Night Out Gala than a woman who is a role model and mentor for learning how to live their best life.

SEE JANE LEAD....As First Posted on woman.ca

2009-05-28T20:41:00.000-07:00

Lois Frankel on Taking the Lead at Work

Thursday, May 28, 2009 Posted in Career - Corporate Coping

Books to Boost Your Career

Women lead households, fundraising committees and the PTA. We plan weddings, surprise parties and family vacations. We can even lead our "school-phobic" children to the classroom with the precision, inspiration and conviction of a world class leader. In her latest bookSee Jane Lead, The New York Times best selling author teaches women how to utilize their innate ability to influence people to achieve their full potential in the workplace.

Author of Nice Girls Don't Get Rich, Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office and Stop Sabotaging Your Career, Dr. Frankel gets to the core of what holds women back from reaching their potential. Filled with advice, tools and strategies from positive female role models and successful business leaders, Frankel offers a blueprint consisting of 99 strategies to help women unleash their natural leadership skills.

Frankel explores the dated male model of "command-control" style of leadership, and contrasts it with the transformative and collaborative approach that comes naturally to women. Frankel explores how womens' relationship building skills, ability to motivate, and their EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient) equips them to be ideal leaders in today's world.

Frankel shows women how to let go of the "self-sabotaging" behaviors that get in their way and use the resources, skills and traits they already possess in order to succeed. Read See Jane Lead and ignite your inner leader. Whether you to take your "inner leader" to the soccer field, the bedroom or the boardroom, Frankel will ensure that you use and improve the talents you didn't know had.

SEE JANE LEAD

99 Ways for Women to Take Charge at Work

By Lois P. Frankel, PhD

By Deborah Mecklinger, LL.B., M.S.W, A.T.C

Professional Coach

http://www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Blackberry Storm Blows Down Cheating Spouse: What To Do If You Want To Know The Truth

2009-05-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

SATURDAY, MAY 2, 2009 POSTED IN LOVE - LOVE & SEX AS FIRST PUBLISHED IN WOMAN.CA

If your 6th sense is screaming that your spouse is cheating ask yourself if you really want to know. If you have been walking around riddled with anxiety and suspicion that your spouse has broken with tradition and is committing adultery it is no coincidence that you may be the last to know. The anxiety, pain and fear of the truth, is the only thing keeping you from being a sleuth.

When you get to the place where you can no longer manage to ignore the signs with a marital bandage it may be time to take control and get in the know. If you fear the city is talking and the neighbors all know you can be sure the Blackberry is the host of the show. The compelling desire to stay connected is fueled and supported by the technology Blackberry’s effected. The number of calls and texts most lovers send is enough to put their secret to an end.

Once you decide to turn signs into proof the following tips will turn you into super-sleuth:

Go For The Oscar: Do not tell your partner you are suspicious. If you already have – take a break and act like you believe them. They will be more likely to slip up if they don’t feel “watched".

Repeat Performance: Pay attention to patterns. Most cheating spouses meet at the same place and at the same time each week. Cheaters find it easier to create routines. It makes it easier to “get away.” From the standing Wednesday evening “Board Meeting” to the Thursday Pilates class, the “standing” excuse goes along way.

Black and White: Take written notes regarding warning signs. The patterns will appear before your very eyes. If you don’t put pen to paper you will ignore the details and it won’t seem real.

Ask The Audience or Call A Friend: If you dare, they will bare. Get ready for the truth. Everyone else always knows.

Record Keeper Catches Cheater: Check phone bills and credit card statements. The bad news and the good news is that they talk on the phone, buy one and other gifts, stay in hotels and eat out.

Spring Cleaning: Empty pockets, check wallets and search drawers. Lingerie, condoms and receipts will be there to prove they are a cheat.

Computer/Digital Spyware: Voice-activated digital recorders left in the car and spyware on computers will tell you who and where they are. The technology is evolving faster than the cheaters can run.

GPS: Get Philandering Spouse: No need to wonder where your spouse wanders. You can follow their every move and receive email notifications the second they get in their car. Your Global Positioning System will enable you to log in and follow the cheater.

Bug Cheating Spouse: FlexiSpy for Blackberry or iPhones is software you download on the Blackberry or phone and it will collect data (SMS texts, emails and telephone calls – even deleted ones) and send it to a web account you set up. Even remote listening is possible.

I Spy: Hire a Private Investigator. The last place to go if you really want to know or the first place to start to catch someone breaking your heart

Getting to the truth will save your mind so you can move forward no matter what you find. The facts and the proof that you obtain will give you the strength to determine how you want to proceed. The information is a place to start talking about what is true without anyone telling you that you have no clue. The bottom line is that everything you need to know is probably as close as the buzzing Blackberry that is vibrating in front of you.

By Deborah Mecklinger, LL.B., M.S.W, A.T.C

www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

The Elegant Email: Ten Tips To Help You Communicate More Effectively

2009-05-15T19:00:00.000-07:00

As First Published in The Wisdom Of Communication: A Collection of Writings That Can Change Your Life

Is the Elegant Email a paradox or a realistic goal? Is every email we send an opportunity to forget who we are or is it another way of showing people who we are? If the “sent email” is representative of who we truly are, then it is time to think about the message we want our emails to communicate before we hit SEND!

Elegant is defined as, “gracefully refined and dignified, as in tastes, habits or literary style; excellent, fine or superior; simplicity in execution, simple and precise.” The Elegant Email is well designed, intentional and strategic. The goal of the Elegant Email is to communicate information clearly, without intricacy and uncompounded by emotion that may likely be misconstrued.
In the frenetic world we live in, with virtual mailboxes overloaded, blackberries buzzing and little time for thinking before speaking, even fewer are thinking before sending. While we all know that we should, include a “subject” that is relevant in the heading, omit slang, capital letters, bold and exclamation marks to emphasize or yell. Use spell check, double check who we are replying to, and eliminate the use of BCC to bully. There are many things we fail to consider before we hit send and end up in cyber chaos. Here are some guidelines to help you put your best email forward and show the world that you are elegant, even when you land in their inbox.

Define the goal of your message before writing your email. Does your email achieve that goal? Edit extraneous information that does not serve the goal of the email.
Be aware of tone and err on the side on neutral. Sarcasm, irony and humor can be easily misconstrued. The use of point form supports a neutral approach and is particularly useful with emails of confrontational or challenging nature.
Tease the email through an “emotion filter.” Does the email sound like it comes from the head or the heart? Ask yourself if this email is written from the place it is coming from, and if it is coming from the place it was written.
If your email is filled with emotion, is it appropriate in the circumstances? Filter your response through # 1 and ensure that you are serving your identified goal.
Is email the appropriate modality of communication? Do not forget that telephone calls and face-to-face meetings are still in style and may be more suitable in many situations.
Consider the pros and cons of writing an email versus having a conversation. Ask yourself if you are forgoing elegance for efficiency and evaluate the costs and benefits of your chosen form of communication.
Read the email before sending and if needed, sleep on it. If the email was written from a place of anger, frustration, or any other heightened sense of emotion, save it as a “Draft” and revisit. The distance will help ensure your email is appropriate.
Imagine you are the receiver of the email and reread the email from that perspective. Remember that you will not be at the receiver’s side to explain and interpret the email.
Ask yourself the following question: “Is this email acceptable for the world to see?” Remind yourself that the world may see your email so, “Smile, you’re on candid camera!” Your audience may include your boss, board of directors, spouse, ex-spouse, lawyer, judge, friends and family.
Ask yourself the following question: Does this email represent my best attempt at communicating clearly, elegantly and respectfully? If the answer is No, go back to Step One and rewrite. If the answer is yes, proudly press send.

Embrace your ability to email elegantly and practice a conscious form of communication in the cyber world. You may find your Drafts outnumber your Sent Messages, your phone may become your new best friend or you may go for rapport over the Reply. Either way, your elegant emails will be a model for those receiving your messages to respond in kind. With the touch of a button you will have changed the world.

The Comitted Couple's Guide to Getting Back on Track

2009-05-07T20:14:00.000-07:00

AS FIRST PUBLISHED ON WOMAN.CA

Relationship Rescue: Don't Be Afraid To Renovate

Are you stuck in a relationship rut? Do your rituals feel like rules locking you into a pattern that's stale? Are you reading a script that no longer fits? Perhaps your relationship is new but your dynamic feels old or you've been together forever and you are now talking about the weather. When you hit your couple limit and start to feel like you want to head for the hills or hide under the covers, it may be time to try something completely different.

To quote George Bernard Shaw: "The only man who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew every time he sees me, while all the rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them." Imagine a relationship that renegotiated behavior regularly based on what was needed instead of one that rested on what once worked. Picture the partnership that remodels role requirements at least as often as it redecorates. Better yet, consider how you can be the couple that cleans up their act more often than you clean out your closets.

Consider shaking things up if you are struggling with:

1. Boredom

2. Frustration

3. Feeling unheard

4. Feeling misunderstood

5. Feeling ignored or invisible

6. Lack of passion

7. Lack of intimacy

8. Lack of spontaneity

9. Lack of creativity

10. Lack of time

Before you run and head for the door and even before you fall to the therapist's floor, there are many things the two of you can do to restructure, realign and revitalize your rleationship. Start by sitting down together and agreeing that the parthership needs an adjustment and commit to begin by being your own relationship chiropractors.

In order to ensure that you and your partner are equipped with the strategies necessary to realign your relationship, stay tuned for the follow-up article entitied:

10 Postions Your Sex Therapist Forgot To tell You About

Deborah Mecklinger, LL.B., M.S.W, A.T.C

Life/Divorce/Executive Coach

www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

deborahmecklinger.blogspot.com

twitter.com/elegantdeb

The Motherhood Career Track is Full of Surprise

2009-05-06T16:58:00.000-07:00

AS FIRST PUBLISHED ON WOMAN.CA

The Motherhood Career Track is Full of Surprise Perks

Managing Mother's Day Expectations

How many mothers do you know who make Mother’s Day brunch? How many mothers spend their day running to the soccer field, lugging the laundry and shopping for last minute groceries for their Mother’s Day event? Perhaps you know the woman who even buys herself roses for the Mother’s Day centerpiece as she races home to cook and set the table.

Fast forward to the morning after Mother’s Day. If you were a fly on the wall at the Mother’s Day post-mortem you would know that for many, the day is like any other day.

Consider the following tips to help make Mother’s Day special:

1. Plan ahead: Mother’s Day is on the calendar. It should come as no surprise.
2. Get a head start: Start the festivities at midnight and let her enjoy longer.
3. Clean up! Breakfast in bed looses its charm if it stays in the bed. Don’t leave mom with the mess.
4. Get out of your Mother’s Day Flower Box. If you are known for bringing her red roses, try hydrangeas instead.
5. Be a team leader. Take children shopping, help them create, craft and share their love.
6. Rally the troops: If your wife or mother feels compelled to make brunch or dinner for her mother or daughter - take over. Get creative. Dine out or order in.

7.Change the routine. Fire Mom from her daily responsibilities.
8. Use your voice. Ask your special woman what would make her day. Listen and follow through.
9. Go Buffet Style. Give her a smorgasbord of love, attention, pampering and free pass that lets her escape.
10. Fuel the hand that feeds you. Use Mother’s Day to replenish and nourish the woman you want to honor.

If you are having Mother’s Day dread or simply wondering how you can improve on breakfast in bed, start talking and plan ahead. Create a Mother’s Day vision that incorporates insight, knowledge and clarity to ensure the day is a success.

Why He Didn't Call You Back

2009-05-06T16:41:00.002-07:00

Wed, May 6 2009

WOMAN.ca - Spring is Here!

Book Review

Why He Didn't Call You Back

Take a B.A. in psychology from Wellesley College, mix it with an M.Ed. degree from Harvard Graduate School of Education and top it off with an M.B.A degree from Harvard Business School and you have Rachel Greenwald, author and Dating Coach.

Rachel’s latest book, Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date, helps single women of all ages to understand what happened when their dating dynamics don’t land them the results they are hoping for. Rachel takes the million dollar question and applies a business strategy called "Exit Interviews," in order to get the answers women are waiting for.

"O" - Oprah's Magazine - calls Rachel "my kind of gutsy girl: all the kick of cheddar-on-rye minus any trace of balogna.” She spent ten years interviewing over 1,000 men about why they didn’t call back after a date, why they showed initial interest in a woman at a bar or party but then didn't ask her out or why they vanished after exchanging flirtatious emails through an online dating site. Rachel shares the top ten “Date-Breakers” and practical tips to help women align their behavior with their relationship goals. Rachel goes even further to help ensure that women choose the men they truly want to date.

Rachel’s book will be your secret bullet for dating success.

By Deborah Mecklinger, LL.B., M.S.W, A.T.C

Professional Coach

http://www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

http://deborahmecklinger.blogspot.com

http://twitter.com/elegantdeb

Add this page to your favorite social bookmarking websites

Related Articles:

COMMUNITY

4 user(s) and 260 guest(s) online | Show All

A Mother's Notes on Facebook in the Family

2009-05-03T20:19:00.000-07:00

AS FIRST PUBLISHED ON WOMAN.CA

A Mother's Notes on Facebook in The Family

Of Course I'm Close to My Daughter, Just Not "Facebook Close"

I thought I was an uber cool mom. Apparently not cool enough. My thirteen-year-old Divine Daughter refuses to "accept" my invitation to be her Facebook friend. I frankly, can't believe that "friending" me is the equivalent of social suicide.

The facts don't seem to measure up. When it comes to clothes, my closet is her closet. If I own it Divine Daughter has to wear it. From Current Elliot to Converse, from American Apparel to Free City - I am in the know. As for Facebook Friend - it is a no go.

Divine Daughter picks my brain for the hippest hairdo, the latest book recommendation and the hottest trends - but when it comes to my plea to friend me on Facebook - the relationship is a dead end.

I thought things might take a turn for the Facebook best when 2 boys she knows invited me to be their friend. I texted her to share the good news. To this she replied, "Don't you dare write on their wall - it is too weird."

When Divine Daughter made it clear that in her social circles my name would be a blight on her cyber life, I got creative. I tried to entice her with my celebrity connections. Upon sharing famous Facebook friends, Divine Daughter informed me that they were probably all imposters. With a huff and a puff, I received yet another Facebook rebuff.

So here is the bottom line. Divine Daughter is more evolved than Facebook Mama. At 13, her boundaries are clear and strong. Divine Daughter knows where she stops and I begin and she is comfortable letting me know when I am encroaching on her turf. Divine Daughter has boundaries and makes them known.

All along, Divine Daughter did say that if it were really important to me, she would add me as a friend. I didn't want to be the guest by way of guilt. Now, while we joke about it regularly, we are both comfortable knowing that we live our life together face to face and share two different worlds in cyber space.

By Deborah Mecklinger, LL.B., M.S.W, A.T.C

walkthetalkcoaching.com

deborahmecklingermecklinger.com

Is Your Partner a Career Supporter or Saboteur?

2009-05-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

AS FIRST PUBLISHED ON WOMAN.CA

Is Your Partner a Career Supporter or Saboteur?

E-mail

His Actions Speak Louder than Words

Does your partner tell you he supports your career but behaves like your work is in his way? Does your significant other say he’s your number one cheerleader but fails to applaud when you need to postpone a date to work late? Does bringing work home leave your partner feeling dethroned? If you are wondering whether your man is truly your career fan consider the following:

1. Flexibility Factor: Does you partner graciously accommodate your work commitments or is the juggle always a struggle?

2. Meals On Wheels: Are you flying in your heels to serve your partner a meal or does he kindly tell you he ate and that your dinner is waiting on a plate?

3. Phone Respect: Do your business calls garner the space and grace of your partner when they happen in the home?

4. Trading Places: Is your relationship rigid or malleable? Is your partner able to take over at home when he is left alone?

5. The Elegant Accessory: Is your man a gracious guest at your work functions where you need to be at your best?

6. Air Time: Are both of your careers the subject of conversation or does your channel get changed when you walk in the door?

7. Economies of Male: Does your career take second place because he makes more money than you do?

8. Bite The Hand That Breeds For You: Does your partner diminish the importance of your career because you have either taken time off to have children or to raise them?

9. “Ya But” Syndrome: Does your partner profess to support you but when it comes time to accommodate your work you are subject to: “Ya But and a myriad of reasons why the request cannot be met.

10. CEO Status: Is your partner the Chief Executive Officer of the relationship’s career trajectory or is there room for 2 Managing Directors?

If you hope to move forward and get to the top of your game, without your partner’s support it won’t be the same. Take an honest look at what you need to maximize success and don’t settle for a relationship that leaves you with a career that’s second best.

By Deborah Mecklinger

www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

deborahmecklinger.blogspot.com

The Blackberry: The Great Cheating "Enabler" Of Our Age?

2009-05-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

AS FIRST PUBLISHED ON WOMAN.CA

Unlocking Your "Berry" is the New Trust Exercise

alt From Blackberry Forums:

opelikaboy Offline

New Member

Posts: 1 Join Date: Oct 2006

Model: 7100T

Help with Cheating Wife -

I know my wife is cheating. She keeps her Blackberry locked and I want to see what’s going on her device. Is there any way to get into the thing?

Our WOMAN.ca Expert's Take:

Does your spouse’s relationship with his or her Blackberry lead you to believe they are having an affair? Do you lay awake wondering why your partner’s Blackberry is locked and password protected from you? Perhaps you have asked and even begged your partner to let you in to their little Blackberry book and they have adamantly refused. If this is the case and the feelings you are left with leave you suspecting someone else is taking up space, you are not alone.

The advent of technology has changed the nature of an affair. The cheating spouse may still have to figure out how to steal time away from their marriage, but they can now stay in touch even when they are in the house. Spouses no longer have to slither out of the room pretending their client is on the phone. Instead, they can simply reach for their Blackberry and send an SMS, Text, Email or PIN to their lover. It is just that easy. You can be in bed with your spouse and they may never know you are a louse while you text between the sheets. Technology has made it possible to have threesome without the consent of two of the parties. How is that for efficiency?

If you are interested in tools and tips that will help you get clearer about the odor you sniff, stay tuned for the follow-up article entitled:

Blackberry Storm Blows Down Cheating Spouse: “What To Do If You Want To Know The Truth”

By Deborah Mecklinger, LL.B.,M.S.W, A.T.C

www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

www.deborahmecklinger.blogspot.com

twitter: elegantdeb

Beware Of The Bitter Twitters

2009-05-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

AS FIRST PUBLISHED ON DIVORCESALOON.COM

GUEST ARTICLE How to handle post-divorce tweeting: Beware Of the Bitter Twitters, by Deb Mecklinger

Author admin

Filed under Divorce Advice (How to), Guest Articles

Can You Say No?

2009-04-19T22:14:00.000-07:00

Is it time to say “Yes” to “No”? How often do you take on too much at home? At work? Accommodating others? Giving in? It’s time you did what you wanted for a change without automatically feeling guilty about not saying yes. Here are some tips to help you go from “Yes” to “No” once in a while.

1. Practice saying “No.” Use the mirror and a tape recorder, or role-play with a friend. A rehearsal will help you develop your skills – and your courage.  2. Be prepared. Develop a series of stock answers you can pull out of your bag. The next time you’re about to say “Yes” but really want to say “No,” reach into your bag for a response that fits – like, “I’m sorry I have a family commitment that day.” Eventually, you’ll be a pro with or without the crib note.  3. Start small. You do not have to say “No” to everything! Whether it’s saying “No” to shoes in your home, picking up the dry cleaning or taking on another client, a little “No” can go a long way. If saying “No” to family or friends feels overwhelming, start with a telemarketer.

Saying “Yes" can be like dining at a buffet with too many choices. Instead of filling your plate, be selective and go a la carte. Exercise your right to say “Yes” to “No”!

Deborah L. Mecklinger, LL.B., M.S.W., A.T.C.

For more information visit www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

AS FIRST PUBLISHED ON PREMIERE DIVORCE BLOG DIVORCESALOON.COM Braveheart or Brokenheart: An Elegant Approach For Mel and Robyn Gibson

2009-04-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

GUEST ARTICLE: Braveheart or Brokenheart: Elegant Approach for Mel and Robyn Gibson.

April 17, 2009 by admin
Filed under Guest Articles

Help: My Marriage Is Sliding From Recession To Depression

2009-04-01T15:03:00.000-07:00

Is the economic padding in your marriage no longer a cushion you can count on? Is the current economic climate a barometer for the temperature of your marriage? Is your dwindling bank account affecting the balance in your emotional depository? If your marriage is starting to feel like like an investment with low or no returns, take stock of how the recession can further impact your relationship and affect your bottom line.

As the economy declines, and stories of doom and gloom loom on the horizon, the emotional and practical stress on couples is unavoidable. Employment insecurity, job loss, pressure to perform, diminished resources, sinking stocks and slipping savings result in a marital albatross that many are struggling to carry. Moreover when a couple's preexisting issues are combined with the hefty weight of financial strain, it becomes even more challenging for spouses to figure out where to begin in order to move forward.

For spouses that have a history of communication issues, the hot topic of money is even scarier when there is less of it. In a marriage where financial freedom was a factor in keeping the disconnected together, limited resources might inhibit their ability to indulge in things like independent vacations, separate dinners out with friends and maybe even time alone at a cottage or on boat. Less disposable income, the sale of assets and longer hours at work can limit the availability of distractions that may have helped to stabilize the already shaky marriage. As for the spouse in the house who is out of a job, this too, often serves to add further strain on the relationship tight rope from which the couple was already hanging.

To add insult to injury, couples are bombarded with experts telling them that they can "Recession-Proof" their marriage. Such suggestions are akin to telling home-owners that they can "Burglar-Proof" their house and keep the most determined intruder out. The recession like the thief, doesn't knock, ring the bell, or "scare off" easily. Moreover, locks, alarms, buzzers, and even guard dogs cannot keep the prowler from coming through the door. In spite of your best efforts to protect yourself, be prepared to manage the chaos and consequences of an economic storm that beats your door down like a thief in the night.

Spouses are being advised by relationship experts that they can "Recession-Proof" their marriage in some of the following ways simple ways:

Cook together: For husbands and wives who can barely make it through a meal, the ideal of preparing it might not be a recipe for success.
Go on a date night: Does one really need to pay a therapist when money is tight, to be told that making an effort to go out together is important? Save the fees and buy the book. Date night recommendations will be in the first chapter!
Have sex. It is cheap and in the budget: If sex and money are intricately connected, it is no coincidence that the bed and the head may now be disconnected. In addition, for anyone feeling impotent in their lives, the pressure to perform may be filled with unbearable anxiety. In particular, for anyone who has lost a job, low self-esteem can be found between the sheets. Be sensitive and patient.
Go for walks together, save on gas and enjoy the outdoors: If conflict is at an all time high and the walks turn out to be more of the same - do the opposite. Walk your dog, stroll with a friend or go it alone. You will come back refreshed and better equipped to face your day.
See a couple's therapist: While it is not uncommon to recommend seeing a therapist together to make headway, perhaps a visit with a different kind of "professional helper" is better suited to the Recession Rescue Menu. For example, a Mediator may be in order to facilitate conflict resolution and help you reach mutual agreements regarding your finances.

While the aforementioned recommendations may work for some, others may find they only serve to exacerbate the stress they already experience. This is not to say that getting back to the basics and enjoying the little things in life together is not a wonderful thing. In fact couples who can connect in that way are at the top of their game. Unfortunately, for those that are truly stressed and in a mess, the "little things" might just not cut it. If the recession is pulling you and your spouse further apart consider the following additional tips to help you manage the damage and avert depression.

Leave the money on the floor outside the bedroom door. Don't talk about financial issues in the bedroom. While it will not ensure sex, it will guarantee a greater likelihood of a better sleep.
Share space not conversation. Spend time in the same room. Read, listen to music, get on your computer, play a game or watch TV. Take a break from talking about money and the issues at hand.
Pick a regular time to discuss financial issues: This will eliminate the worry that the topic is ongoing and never-ending. Schedule "conversation time" on a weekly or monthly basis to discuss the finances and stick to it.
Call a friend. The secret to every stressful marriage is a good friend.
Filter: Use your best judgement and filter the topic before you raise it. Is your issue something that needs to be shared or is it a release of your financial anxiety only to be dumped and now the burden of your partner? If the answer is YES - get a journal and spare your spouse. What goes around comes around and the financial worry-go-round can be never-ending.
Get Educated: Be informed and understand the real financial deal in your life. Don't live on the financial myths of your marriage.
Ask An Advisor: Attend meetings with accountants, financial advisors, brokers and/or bankers together to avoid miscommunication.
Skip the news at night. Go to bed with an empty head. Everything is more upsetting and anxiety provoking at night. The headlines will be there for you in the morning. If your spouse insists on watching, listening or stressing - disengage and leave the room.
Exercise more. The release of endorphins will help you cope. This in turn will make you a calmer spouse. Life will begin to look brighter. You may find the cup half full. The laws of attraction will take effect and the cycle will evolve and you will feel the future beginning to look brighter.
Look in the mirror more and pay attention to what you see. Wash your forlorn face. Walking around looking dejected, miserable and with a sour or dour face will ensure that you get back what you put out. Be aware of your energy, your presence and your demeanor and begin to smile. If it does not feel authentic, fake it. Your academy award winning performance may rub off on your marriage and you may find that before you know it, you actually feel happier.

Developing an economic partnership, communication, compromise, respect, reinventing and redistributing roles, sharing and caring are only some of the issues that need to be addressed by couples dealing with the consequences of the recession. As you ride out the economic storm remember that you cannot keep the recession out of your marriage or prevent it from impacting your relationship. So confront the issues head on and don't be afraid to open the door because it's coming inside even if you try to ignore. The really good news is that marriage is like the economy - it has cycles that come and go. Ride this one out and stay in the know.

For more information visit www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Stuck In The House With Ex-Spouse: Tools and Rules To Help You Survive

2009-03-29T19:01:00.000-07:00

When divorce is on the horizon how can you co-exist in a house with your soon to be ex-spouse? Is it possible to live separate and apart under one roof without raising it? Once the marriage is declared "over" there may be a period of time that leaves the separated sharing space when they are low on relationship grace. While there are separating spouses that decide to share the matrimonial home for an agreed upon period of time, others find themselves in the same predicament for different reasons. Financial limitations, unresolved legal issues, power struggles and difficulty selling the home result in many former life-partners co-existing under one roof involuntarily.

In these particularly challenging economic times, with the matrimonial home often being the couple's largest asset, slow sales, soft markets and a lack of palatable alternatives may result in "mom's room, dad's room" carrying on for longer than intended. Navigating your way around home base when you no longer want to see your Ex's face is not for the faint of heart. Allocating your time, your boundaries, and your feelings in a way that leaves your sanity in tact and keeps your children from falling through the cracks requires two committed people.

If you find yourself dividing your heart along with your home, develop a plan to help you share in a way that is fair. Be intentional, mindful and strategic and consider the following tools and rules to help you handle this overwhelming difficult time.

Beware: LAND MINE AHEAD. Shake hands with reality and be realistic as to the challenges that lay in the fore. Living separate and apart under one roof can be unpredictable, arduous and volatile. Do not pass go without a plan.
Build boundaries. Create separate space especially for the most intimate parts of your day: sleeping, private time in bathrooms and a safe place for your personal belongings that is accessible at all times. Designating and adhering to an agreed upon division of hours and space, taking turns, respecting privacy, and using self-restraint are necessary behaviors. A rule of thumb: Never walk into the other person's territory without express permission. When in doubt, find a new route.
Play the part of Casper the friendly ghost. Develop a temporary schedule that clarifies specific days and times that each parent is in charge and the other is "off duty." The parent in charge is the "go to" parent and the other parent makes themselves scarce. This serves to minimize opportunities for conflict. Note, that this only works if the "off-duty parent" is invisible at best and outside the scope of parenting radar at worst.
Be your own domestic god/ess. Do your own laundry and prepare your own food. This will eliminate resentment. If your arrangement involves doing things for one and other discuss the details, create a written agreement and review it weekly or monthly to ensure that it is working for both parties.
Those that no longer sleep together should discuss whether they want to eat together. It may be time to create a new interim meal time tradition.
If you use it, loose it. Clean up after yourself and put your own things away. Leaving behind soiled dishes, a trail of laundry or garbage for your house mate to deal with is dirty play.
Replace with grace. If you empty the fridge, the gas tank, the toothpaste tube, the kleenex box or anything else that was once there, replenish and restock before you need to talk.
Let patience and discretion be your guides. Wait to date. Do your best to hold of on a dating kick-off. It will save you from an unwanted fumble or scrimmage.
If you begin to liaise, discuss the terms of this stage. Keep it separate and out of the house.
Don't be an island. Bring in a captain to help you chart the waters, create rules and arrive at an agreement to live by. Meet with a coach or mediator to help you prepare with care.

Living separate and apart under one roof is like traveling to a foreign country. In fact, the language, customs and practices you are familiar with may even result in the opposite effect. In order to prepare for your journey, research the world you are traveling to. A streetwise traveler is informed, packs a map, takes a guide and always has telephone numbers and a "safety plan" in case of emergency.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Twitter Etiquitte: Ten Tips For The Elegant Twit

2009-03-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

Do you get the jitters when you think about Twitter and does the thought of a tweet leave you shaking in your seat? If you are one of millions pondering the question, "What are you doing?" it may be time to consider how to be a winner when you use Twitter.

Micro-blogging via Twitter is taking the world by a storm. While 140 characters or less make up a tweet, our fast-paced world has discovered yet another way to share information quickly, concisely and with the click of a twit. Social networking, public relations, marketing or simply informing your followers about WHAT YOU ARE DOING is now faster and free. If you decide to indulge in Twitter consider the following recommendations to help you twit with your wit and not shoot from the hip.

Follow the leader. Explore the world of Twitter and follow others who lead by example. To follow is to lead in the world of twittering. If you don't follow, you cannot lead. Moreover, find a Twitter mentor. You can watch from afar and observe the respectful, appropriate and mindful approach taken by other elegant twits. Pay attention to the purposeful and well-intentioned way they tweet. Follow-suit and you too will be followed by leaders.
If Twitter is an opportunity to show 360 degrees of who you are, remember you may be better served by keeping some of who you are to yourself. Wherever you go, your tweets will follow. Make sure your tweets are worthy of travel.
Twitter is a platform that can be accessed via of Firefox, Blackberry, twitter.com, RSS, IPhone and other applications and devices. Remember that when you are alone with your phone, your Blackberry or your computer, the opportunity to send a spontaneous tweet can be compelling - especially in light of its simplicity. Once you push send your tweet will take on a life of its own. To save you from yourself, commit to saving before sending and review the proposed tweet in another venue/setting or at a different time of day, in a different frame of mind.
Find a TWITITOR. Invite a friend, colleague or trusted confidante to review or edit your tweets if you are not sure if you should send.
Be a good listener. Take the time to listen to the latest buzz on Twitter. You will enhance your Twitter wisdom, be a better communicator and ensure that your profile is one to be proud of.
Begin with the end in mind. Clarify your Twitter objectives. Are you hoping to promote your business, increase your profile, make connections or stay in touch with friends and family? Define your Twitter vision to ensure that you use this latest technology in service of your goals.
Beware of OCT (Obsessive Compulsive Twittering) . Twitter can be addictive. As a voyeur, participant or recipient of unlimited daily tweets, you may find yourself losing face time with the people around you. Utilize self-imposed limits, put it to sleep, remove the application from your cell phone or lose it completely, if you no longer meet, eat or sleep because you tweet.
Twitter can be a workplace hazard. Lack of attention to one's work, impulsive information leaks and spontaneous streaming of uncensored information are consequences of careless twits. Be clear about the your ability to tweet while at work. Take note of your company's policy and remember that social networking technology is probably light years ahead of your Human Resource Manual. Be a "foward Twitter" and think ahead.
Twitter can be like a "Girls Gone Wild" version of IM (Instant Messaging). Get real but don't get naked. It is not the venue to bare your soul, have a temper tantrum or tweet out of control.
Show respect and RETWEET. Let others know you value their knowledge and information by sharing it with fellow Twitters as your retweet and spread the word. By redistributing great ideas you will further enhance your Twitter appeal.

If part of Twitter's charm is communicating with brevity in 140 characters or less, note that no number is too small to get into a cyber mess. So tweet with care and beware that every tweet lives in perpetuity. Remember "The Tweet Goes ON!"

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Post Divorce Dating (PDD): How To Help Your Kids Plight When Looking For Mr. or Ms. Right

2009-03-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

Why is your child not jumping for joy when they see stars in your eyes instead of tears? After months or even years of stress, sadness and loneliness - how can your child not be thrilled to see you out on a Saturday night instead of home alone reading the latest self help book on surviving divorce? If your offspring is turned off by your dating you are not alone. Your post divorce social life is a challenge to be expected when your children are asked to smile, accept or applaud the arrival of a guest they did not invite into their lives.

Your child's aversion to your new diversion may be precipitated by the following issues:

It may be that your Post Divorce Dating (PDD) extinguishes the flame in your child's reunification fantasy - a hope and feeling many children describe as prevalent.
Perhaps your PDD leaves your children caught in a loyalty bind or triggers a wide range of confusing emotions they cannot handle.
From changes in your routine, to the time devoted to dating and its associated distractions, to simply feeling awkward at the thought of a parent as a sexual being - discomfort with parental courtship is common.
Your children may feel like they are less important to you. Their role, status and special place in your life may feel threatened.
A new haircut or color, a fresh fragrance, a unfamiliar wardrobe, a clean shave, lost weight and a new-found mate can leave children wondering where the parent they once knew disappeared to.

If PDD is part of your program consider the following beliefs and strategies to help you move forward without setting your children back:

Remember, your desire to date is just that - YOUR desire. Your children did not sign up for the PDD Program.
Your children are narcissistic and believe they are enough to meet all of your emotional needs (this is developmentally on task for children and teens).
Your time-sharing plan was designed for you and your EX. It was not designed for you and your new partner and your EX. They crave time with you.
When you decide to introduce the concept of PDD - be prepared for discomfort, resistance, anger, anxiety, sadness, curiosity, guilt, anger, ambivalence, confusion, excitement and the evolutionary cycle of the aforemetioned emotional spectrum.
If you have more than one child, be prepared for different reactions from each child and do not expect their emotional responses to be in synch with one and other. Be sensitive to the slowest common denominator.
Be prepared for silence. If the child is not ready or closes the door to the conversation - be sensitive and follow the leader. In this case they lead. This does not mean that they have the right or power to close the door to PDD, but it is a signal to be sensitive to their involvement and integration.
Be prepared for questions. Brainstorm possible questions in advance to ensure that your answers are honest but age appropriate.
"Caveat Answeror" - BEWARE OF SHARING TOO MUCH INFORMATION (TMI). In particular, questions from teens and adult children are seductive. Remember that your child is not your confidante, therapist, friend or parent. Even your teen or adult child may not be prepared to handle many of the answers their questions provoke. Be careful and think before you respond. A rule of thumb is: don't share information about your relationship that you would not share with a 10 year old. That is probably all they can handle.
Take it slow. If the relationship is long-term and healthy, over time, your children will develop trust, comfort, and will come to accept your new partner. If it is not a long-term relationship you will have spared them the potential loss, pain and readjustment.
Once integrated, regardless as to the love connection between your children and your new partner, be sure to spend time on your own with your children, maintain traditions your kids love, don't take advantage of their generosity of spirit and desire to see you happy and check in with your children on a regular basis.

PDD is often like serving vegetables to a young child. You believe it is good for them, but the unfamiliar taste may leave them feeling uneasy and at times even queasy. A patient parent does not force feed, but rather, introduces the new experience slowly and respects the child's right to examine the new flavor, take small bites or try it again another time. Take wisdom and patience on your PDD ride, and you will find that in time your children will be firmly planted by your side.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Lighten Your Load: Strategies For Dealing With Freeloading Friends and Family

2009-03-20T21:08:00.000-07:00

How do you deal with family and friends who cavort around with entitlement spoons dangling from their mouths? Do you struggle to set limits or say no to those who know not where "what is yours starts" and "what is theirs ends"? How can you protect yourself from the Shameless And Relentless Askers (herein referred to as SARAs) in your life?

The requests for resources, goods, time and energy come by phone, email and in person. They often sound like this:

Can you score me some free tickets to the game, Bobby loves the Yankees and his birthday is coming up!
I heard you won't be at your condo, cottage or chalet over the holidays - we are dying for a week away. By the way, are the beds made and is there gas in the boat?
Cheryl just got her driver's license and since you are going away for the month, can she take your new SUV - she'd like to go north with her boyfriend.....Mike and I don't want to be without a car!
Your pool is perfect place for Melissa to run her swim school this summer. Maybe you can let her know the hours you won't be in your own backyard?
I would love to use your home for your nephew Trevor's birthday party - which weekend would work? Is the fridge filled, or do I need to get drinks?
Your house is the perfect venue to host the family holiday, event or rite of passage?
Can you pick up, drive or deliver the children?
It's my daughter Tiffany's 16th birthday next week - she would like a watch, cell phone or necklace. I know your daughter's birthday is coming up, but really - there is nothing she needs!
Will you take the kids next week? We need to get away.
Can you help Brian get a job, set up his business, finance his venture, advise him, do his resume, connect him and be the father figure he needs.

When the pain begins to set in and you come to realize that the relationship is a one way street - you give and they take, it may be time to change your behavior for your own sake. From requests for your clothes to your money, from your professional services to your ear, from the guest that regularly arrives empty handed to the house guest who forgets to leave - the freeloader habitually takes advantage of your generosity. When you inevitably hit your "giving wall", and realize that reciprocity is not a part of the relationship recipe with a SARA, the following strategies may save you from annihilation and depletion.

Remember, SARA's are impervious to etiquette or social decency and their behavior is marked by a bold lack of shame. How you factor into their request has not crossed their mind. Their blatant disregard for your feelings or rights says nothing about you. Their requests say everything about them. This is SARA School 101.
Your job is to set desired limits and not to teach the SARA a lesson.
When the desired response is NO - say NO. Do not go past GO.
Saying NO requires NO explanation. You do not owe the SARA an excuse.
When the SARA gets nasty, goes underground or uses gorilla warfare like triangulation by engaging spouse, friend or parent or worst of all, their own children to get what they want - name the behavior and call the the SARA out on it. Don't let the SARA be the elephant in the room.
Be elegant and try the following lines if NO doesn't work for you: "I/we would like time alone with our family; Your request doesn't work for me/us; My/our home/time/resources are otherwise committed.
Don't be afraid to say YES if it works for you. While the fear of the slippery slope is scary, you are only a word away from NO.
Be prepared to repeat yourself.
Practice with a child. They too repeat themselves and don't give up easily. Note that this is developmentally healthy and on task for a child to be relentless. They provide the perfect boot camp for NO training.
Be prepared to be unpopular.

You can run but you cannot hide from a SARA so don't even try. Instead, create boundaries, use your words and be firm. Sara's come on strong and leave you spinning until you no longer remember who is right and who is wrong. If you are challenged by freeloaders, moochers, cadgers or habitual imposers, be steadfast and confident in your right to say NO to those looking to reap what they did not sow.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Is This A Conversation I Want To Have? Tools and Techniques To Help You Re-Route The Unwanted Conversation

2009-03-13T16:23:00.000-07:00

If a conversation is a two way street, why do we often feel like we are being run off the road? From curious co-worker, to nosey neighbor, from fascinated friend to prying parent, from snooping superior to information seeking Ex - how do you steer the conversation to a parking lot when it is going down a path you do not want to take?

Here are just some of the questions that loved ones, cheerleaders, friends, bosses, parents in the play ground, associates at the water cooler and interested in-laws ask every day that leave the recipient looking for conversation cop.

Are you engaged yet?
Did you get the job/promotion?
How much was your bonus?
Are you pregnant yet?
Was Johnny accepted?
Why was Susie sent home from camp?
I heard you separated......what happened?
I head your Ex is dating; had an affair; is gay; just had a baby; bought a new house; has a new young thing.....
I hear you are dating; having a rough time; struggling with the kids; in a miserable legal mess?
I heard you just bought a new house/you have to sell your house......
Are you dating again?
What stage cancer is it?
I hear you and Mary are no longer friends?
You lost the account/client/deal?

The opportunity to encroach on personal boundaries is limitless when individuals are not clear about where they stop and someone else begins. Every day we are faced head on with personal boundary violators who drive the conversation over the yellow line. If a boundary is defined as that which fixes a limit or extent, a separating line, a border, a barrier or a dividing line then it is time we give ourselves permission to respect our own boundaries even when others don't.

What if you were suddenly able to steer an unwelcome question to a place where you were more comfortable? Imagine putting an end to inappropriate inquiries and unwanted exploration? Try using the tips, tools and techniques listed below when you feel the conversation is not going in the direction you want to travel.

Remember, it is not your job or responsibility to take care of someone by participating in a conversation that leaves you feeling unsafe, awkward, invaded or uncomfortable.
You are in charge of your Conversation Comfort Compass. Determine a base point. Check it regularly.
Remind yourself daily that it is healthy to set your conversational borders.
When the person asking the question or driving the conversation holds either a real or perceived position of power (for example, boss, parent or intimidating person), remember - you are still entitled to set parameters.
If you are not sure whether you want to respond, take a second, or two or three and say, "I need a moment to think about that" and then decide how you want to respond.
If you are still not sure if you want to have the conversation say, "I need to think about that, and I will get back to you." You may still choose to let the person know that you do not want to go down that road.
Trust your instinct. If the territory proposed makes you feel uneasy, go with your gut.
Use "I " statements when letting someone know you do not choose to talk about the suggested subject matter. This will be easier if you do not take the line of inquiry personally.
Review the proposed "lines" listed below, and practice, practice, practice.
When asked a question you do not want to answer try the following lines:

It is a personal matter.
I prefer not to go there.
I am not going there.
When there is something to share, I will let you know.
I am uncomfortable having this conversation or discussing the issue.
This is not something I choose to talk about.
Thank you for your concern (this can be added to the end of the above-noted responses).
I appreciate your interest/concern (this can be added to the end of the above-noted responses).
If the conversation violator persists, simply repeat your response or choose another one and state or restate it calmly and respectfully.

To quote Mark Twain, "Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have a conversation." If the goal of a conversation is to exchange thoughts, ideas and opinions, all participants must feel like they are at the wheel of the dialogue and not in the back seat. So hang on to your boundaries for the ride, and remember it is your responsibility to respect yourself enough to say No to the conversation you don't want to have.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Duty to Declare: Divorcing Driver On The Road

2009-03-12T12:19:00.000-07:00

Should there be a "Duty to Declare Divorce" to the Department of Motor Vehicles? Are the newly separated a danger to themselves and others when driving under the influence of divorce and its associated trauma? No doubt the onset of divorce is often akin to flying head-on into a Mack Truck, but does that mean you need to actually drive into one?

On a daily basis, clients share stories of their most recent fender benders, collisions and sometimes major accidents - all noted as a direct consequence of overwhelming distraction and their distraught state. In particular, men and women report that in the early stages of separation they encounter an out of body experience and have little recollection of how they got through their day, managed their children or performed their job.

They say that driving when fatigued is like driving while intoxicated. While it is difficult to attribute sleepiness to car accidents as there is no standardized test for fatigue like there is for intoxication, data shows that fatigue slows reaction time, decreases awareness and impairs judgement. The newly separated not only report inability to sleep and the ensuing fatigue but an overall feeling of emotional and physical exhaustion in the early stages of divorce or periods of extreme conflict.

So how do the newly separated get from point A to point B in their cars? Many have no idea. In fact, it is not uncommon for those in the throws of divorce to report locking keys in their car, driving in circles, passing their destination, forgetting where they are headed and getting lost on their way. Divorcing drivers have even commented that it was luck not presence of mind that allowed them to drive without incident.

If you or a loved one are driving under the influence of divorce consider the following strategies before getting behind the wheel:

Call a friend and ask for a ride. Finally, a way for someone waiting in the wings to be helpful.
Take a CAB, public transit or walk. Not only will you be safe, but you will have the opportunity to clear your head.
If you are going to drive, put your cell phone in the back seat. Resist all temptation to call your lawyer while driving, vent to a friend while at light or call your EX and rage. Eliminate an additional distraction.
Write down directions, get a map and put an extra set of car keys in your purse, pocket, office or other convenient location.
When you park the car, write down on a piece of paper the exact location of where you parked. Take the paper with you and pay attention to where you put it. Leave a pack of POST IT notes in the car to make this easy.
Make sure you are well rested and take a coffee, tea or bottle of water along for the ride.
Never drive yourself to court. You are sure to be stressed to max on your way there only to be trumped by how you may feel on your way home. Follow 1 or 2.
The same can be said for driving to meetings with your lawyer. Follow 1 or 2.
If you feel like you are driving recklessly and cannot resist, give your car keys to a friend.
Slow down. Turn the music down. Turn the noise down. Turn the DVD player down and drive with extreme caution and care. Be aware of your distraction and focus.

If driving under the influence of divorce is on your radar, remember that it is not a chronic condition but rather a phase that can be navigated strategically and safely. At the very least, shake hands with your divorce distractions and your distress and drive with caution and care.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Ten Things No One Tells You About Divorce

2009-03-12T08:01:00.000-07:00

Divorce knowledge is abundant. From books to articles from cocktail parties to locker rooms, from lawyers offices to the therapist's couch, there is no shortage of information, stories and advice available. Whether you are at the front end of divorce and looking for a guide, in the midst and searching for support, somewhere in between and worried about your children or on the precipice of a new life and need a map, divorce guidance is everywhere.

As a Divorce Coach, I cannot help but notice that there are elements endemic to the process of divorce that are prevalent and unexpected by those navigating their way. "Why didn't someone tell me", "this would be easier if I had known", and "how can I be prepared, if I don't know what to expect." I have taken those comments and I am sharing what I have found to be common themes that take people by surprise.

So hang on to your hat for the ride and take note of the following information you might not have come across:

You only separate from the person you were married to. Be prepared for the same wine in a new bottle.
The process moves as quickly as the slowest person and the least motivated. Be patient and prepare.
Get sleep and eat. While you may have lost 100 to 200 pounds of a partner, you need fuel to function.
You will receive lots of advice. Some of it is what you want to hear and not what you need to hear. Filter it. Then filter it again.
You must go through the process to get through it. There are no shortcuts and you cannot be catapulted to the end. There will be an end.
You cannot coach or educate your EX unless they sign up for your program. If they have not enrolled, give up.
You cannot do your EX's therapy. It is not clinically possible. Give up on your theories and do your own work. Doing your own therapy is hard enough - but worth the effort.
You will say, "I will never date again." You will if you want to.
You will say, "I will never have sex or fall in love again." You will if you want to.
You and only you are in charge of Chapter 2 (or 3 and so on). You get to decide if you are going to move forward. No one will do it for you and you will be allowed to sit in Chapter 1 forever. Do the work so you can move on.

The Divorce World is an alien planet. The regular rules of the road often, do not apply. If you find yourself lost in foreign territory, look for an anchor, take stock of what you do know and never forget there is always a way out.

For more information visit: www.walkthetalkcoaching.com

Deb Said

Divorcing spouses quit Facebook in favour of privacy

Managing the Step Family: A Strategic Approach to Mergers and Acquisitions

DIVORCEE ON BOARD: A NEW FORM OF ROAD RAGE

Big Night Out: Celebrating Big Brothers and Big Sisters......AS FIRST PUBLISHED ON WOMAN.CA

SEE JANE LEAD....As First Posted on woman.ca

Lois Frankel on Taking the Lead at Work

Books to Boost Your Career

Blackberry Storm Blows Down Cheating Spouse: What To Do If You Want To Know The Truth

The Elegant Email: Ten Tips To Help You Communicate More Effectively

The Comitted Couple's Guide to Getting Back on Track

The Motherhood Career Track is Full of Surprise

The Motherhood Career Track is Full of Surprise Perks

Managing Mother's Day Expectations

Why He Didn't Call You Back

WOMAN.ca - Spring is Here!

Book Review

Why He Didn't Call You Back

MOST POPULAR

COMMUNITY

A Mother's Notes on Facebook in the Family

Is Your Partner a Career Supporter or Saboteur?

The Blackberry: The Great Cheating "Enabler" Of Our Age?

Beware Of The Bitter Twitters

Can You Say No?

AS FIRST PUBLISHED ON PREMIERE DIVORCE BLOG DIVORCESALOON.COM Braveheart or Brokenheart: An Elegant Approach For Mel and Robyn Gibson

GUEST ARTICLE: Braveheart or Brokenheart: Elegant Approach for Mel and Robyn Gibson.

Help: My Marriage Is Sliding From Recession To Depression

Stuck In The House With Ex-Spouse: Tools and Rules To Help You Survive

Twitter Etiquitte: Ten Tips For The Elegant Twit

Post Divorce Dating (PDD): How To Help Your Kids Plight When Looking For Mr. or Ms. Right

Lighten Your Load: Strategies For Dealing With Freeloading Friends and Family

Is This A Conversation I Want To Have? Tools and Techniques To Help You Re-Route The Unwanted Conversation

Duty to Declare: Divorcing Driver On The Road

Ten Things No One Tells You About Divorce